


Lost Boy

by War_paint



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017)
Genre: Angst, Bisexuality, F/M, Fluff, Kylo is a drama queen, Lots of Angst, Slow Burn, The Last Jedi Spoilers, and has no patience, i'll add more tags as i go along, my attempt at humor, oh well, or tolerance, spoilers start chapter 17
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-26 21:21:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 32,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6256366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/War_paint/pseuds/War_paint
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“My student,” Snoke finally said, addressing the Commander, “Your body is strong, but it is time your mind became just as powerful. I want this woman to train with you.”</p><p>“What?” The Menacing Knight hissed, fists clenching, and unclenching. Snoke just nodded. </p><p>“Yes. Once Luke Skywalker returns with the girl. A new Jedi order will rise, and you will be faced with those who can push thoughts to you. You must learn to control it. Your training starts today,” Snoke said, and suddenly he was gone. Leaving you grinning at a maniac with a light saber.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Maniac With a Lightsaber

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is my very first story, so I have no clue if it will be any good. I love to write, so I decided to give this a shot. If there's something I could fix in here, I would absolutely love comments. I'll probably update tomorrow, and after the first few chapters I'll figure out when I can regularly update. Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoy!

Working on the Finalizer wasn’t all that it had been cracked up to be. You were ready for adventure, a sense of importance, but ended up in a small group of three other engineers who worked long, hard hours with little pay. ~~You were sure the First Order could spare a little on dental insurance, but who are you to complain.~~ One perk, however, was the gym. Holy smokes was it impressive. Now, you’re not talking about the type of gym with weights, and icky stuff like that (although, there was one of those on this floating murder ship). No, you were talking about the wonderful room with a big ass mirror, and stereo with a bass that could send your poor heart into shock. You’d found yourself a dance studio.

The First Order wasn’t one for Zumba classes… Come to think of it, you had no freaking clue why there was a studio with a floor that gave just right for your jumps, and was perfect for your turn combinations. You tried to imagine that they’d built it just for you, to give you a small ray of sunshine in your extremely dull/stressful life. It's not like anyone else used it, so why not entertain your ego.

After a particularly long day on the job, running around, fixing all the destruction that ~~the lampshade asshat~~ Kylo Ren caused with that damn saber of his, you found yourself in the studio, stretching. Dance had been a huge part of your life since you were two years old, and you’d always thought you'd follow it as a career. Your dream was to become a choreographer on one of the city planets, but your parents seemed to have other plans. They thought you were “too smart” to waste your time on dance. So you’d packed away your dreams neatly in the back of your mind, and became one hell of an engineer. Which brings us back to the present.

You hummed along to your warmup playlist, stretching out your muscles. The last thing you needed right now was to tear a muscle doing the splits. A good ten minutes went by before you were satisfied with your stretches. So you stood, and decided to work on your turns. You focused for a while, but in true (y/n) fashion, your mind began to wander. This time to your job. You hated having clean up duty for the Commander’s temper tantrums. It was supposed to be an “honor” to be selected for this job, but you found yourself to be underappreciated, and overlooked in that position. Every day it was something new. A hallway cut and burning here, a control panel sliced in two there. The worst clean up duty yet was when the pilot had pissed the Knight of Ren off one way or another. Let's just say it was a good thing you were in the area, because the Finalizer quite literally began making a final fall towards the black hole the ship was so desperately trying to pass. But, because of you being amazing ~~hold the applause~~ , you got the thrusters back in working order, and saved the day. ~~You really should have gotten a medal for that.~~

You were too deep in thought about Mr. Tall, Dark, and Destructive to notice the ringing in your ears and slight increase in pressure in your skull. So, you went on to think about how much of a hell Kylo Ren had made your life. _That no good, emo sith, bucket headed, sorry sack of dicks. He couldn't go one day without being public menace numero uno. So much for being head engineer. No one takes notice in my work because I'm too busy covering the Commander’s ass than making a name for myself. To top it off though, is the fact that the lampshade probably has no idea who I am. Why pay any mind to the adorable engineer who picks up the pieces left behind a light saber tantrum_.

You were way too busy doing a beautiful fouetté/float turn combo while simultaneously feeling sorry for yourself to hear the heavy footsteps storm through the hallway. It wasn't until the door banged open that you ~~screeched~~ yelped, and fell ~~flat on your ass~~ gracefully to the ground. Standing in the doorway was the head lampshade himself. In that moment you were pretty sure your jaw came unhinged, and swore you felt it touch the ground. You stayed like that for a full minute, splayed on the ground while the head honcho towered over you in his six feet of glory, mask glaring at you. You finally scrambled to your feet, and saluted.

“Commander,” you said, hoping your voice was steady, “Is there anything I can do for you?” You were scared out of your mind. The Commander wasn't supposed to know who you were, so why the hell did he know where to find you. It was in that moment that you also began to feel extremely exposed. The Commander was in, who knows how many layers of clothes, complete with a cloak and mask, while you weren't only out of uniform… But you were out of uniform and in a tank top, sports bra, and compression shorts that left literally nothing to the imagination.

“Get out of my head,” Kylo Ren commanded. His voice garbled, and mechanical from the voice converter in the mask… Oh how you always wanted to inspect that beautiful machinery.

“...Pardon?” You replied, shaking yourself from other thoughts. The Knight didn't dismiss you, but your hand fell to your side anyway, tired from already holding it too long.

“You were in my head. Get. Out,” he demanded again. Now you were extremely confused while being equally terrified.

“I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about,” you say wearily, biting your lip. He took a threatening step forward. His long legs put him right in front of you. You squeak again, and scramble backwards, back hitting the mirror. ~~Damn, it was cold against your skin.~~

“Your thoughts were pushed into my mind. I did not search for them, but I could clearly hear you thinking about me. I can tell you are not force sensitive, you need to tell me how you are doing it, and then stop immediately,” he demanded, voice somehow getting lower, and more terrifying as he talked.

Your eyes were wide with fear, and you didn't reply. You didn't know what to say, and were too afraid to say anything anyway. As the silence grew longer, the knight drew his saber, and turned it on. The red beam crackled to life, and illuminated the room. You gasped and flinched as he raised the weapon above his head. _This is it. I'm going to die. Goodbye cruel world! I didn't even get to eat one last banana nut muffin. Man, life sucks._ You thought to yourself.

“Shut up!” The lampshade demanded as he slashed into the mirror to the right of your head. Aww, you’d liked that mirror panel, and it never did anything to the dark menace. You ~~frantically~~ casually stepped aside and ~~completely freaked~~ out kept your cool as the mean emo sith demolished the mirror. The chrome bucket mask turned towards you once again. “Tell me.”

Pretending not to be shaking like a leaf, you drew yourself to your full height of 5’4” and held your head high. “Look, dude,” _did I really just call my superior officer dude, do I want myself killed, oh well. No going back now_ “I actually have no clue what you're talking about. I was minding my own business, keeping my thoughts to myself. Thank you very much.” You crossed your arms over your chest, and stared into the eye slits of the mask. You could swear if the robot mask had eyebrows that one would have been raised right now. Call it intuition.

The two of you stared at each other, and your mind was racing faster than the Millenium Falcon making the Kessel Run. _What the hell is this asshat talking about. He's the one that reads minds, he needs to get out of my head. Shit, what if he's in my head right now… Hi Mr. I mean Commander Ren… Wait, no, that's weird. Fuck, stop thinking. I can't stop thinking I'd have to die, or maybe sleep. Damn, sleep sounds good right now. I'm so worn out from being Mr. Tall, dark, and menacing’s personal trash man, trash woman, whatever. I still know I'm trash though. Ah crap, he's coming closer. This is it, my time has come, I don't wanna die. Hey I think that’s a song… Mama!!! Oooooo! I don't wanna die, sometimes wish I'd never been born at all, carry on, carry on, as if nothing really-_

“ **Enough** , I'm not going to kill you,” the mask in a dress said. You coulda sworn he almost sounded exasperated, but you shrugged that thought away. The metal lampshade shook his head, “You need to quiet your thoughts. They are quite trivial and annoying.”

 _Hey now. Bohemian Rhapsody is a classic._ The tin can shot you a pointed look, and you raised your hands in defeat.

“Alright, alright. Sorry,” you said. You shifted your weight from one foot to another as the man a few feet away sized you up. Reminding you yet again that you’re still in your workout clothes. To distract yourself, you started to imagine what was under the mask. _Was he human, did he wear the mask cuz he thought he was ugly? Was he some weird ass space monster? The world may never know._

Kylo Ren sighed, “I assure you, I am quite human,” his mechanical voice droned. “Come with me,” he said eventually, turning on his heels, cloak swirling in a sea of black around him. Always with the drama, this one. You bit your lip pretty hard, and went to grab your jacket. “I said follow,” the Commander ordered. You look at your jacket.

“But-”

“Come!”

You yelp, and hurry after the emo drama queen. The Commander had very long legs, and therefore covered a lot of ground as he strode through the halls. You basically had to jog to keep up. You felt your cheeks turn red as passerby's looked at you with pity.

Eventually, you and the dark menace arrived at an intricately designed door. Maybe this is where he took the sacrifices. _Did the First Order have sacrifices? Who would they sacrifice to? Did we gave a god? Or was it the Force?_ How would you know, you were just a lowly engineer. Maybe he was going to have you killed for all the things you thought about him. Surely you weren't the only one with mean things to say, and the Commander didn't seem the sort to really care what others thought of him. But, still.

The knight made a sound that seemed like a growl. “I've **already said** that I'm not going to kill you,” he explained, running out of patience. You nod at that, but still don't believe him. Kylo Ren just shook his head and wrapped your forearm in a vice grip with his leather gloved hand, and pulled you inside the room.

“Supreme Leader. I seek your presence,” the robotic voice rung out, and you looked around the room. This place looked ancient. How the hell did they get it on the ship? You shrugged, and turned your attention to the humungo hologram of Supreme Leader Snoke in front of you. For the second time of the day, you thought your jaw hit the floor. Man, you must be making a good impression to all these big important people ~~while wearing basically **nothing**. Joy.~~

“What do you seek?” The Supreme Leader asked, eyeing you. You tried to smile innocently, but it came out pretty tight.

“This **woman** has been forcing thoughts into my head. She is not force sensitive. We need to get rid of her,” the lampshade said, voice sounding almost monotone, bored. You knew it! He **was** gonna kill you. You had half a mind to turn around and kick him in his naughty place for suggesting you were so disposable that it bored him, but you were too terrified to move as of now. Snoke looked at you again, and smiled. What the actual fuck.

“Introduce yourself, child,” he said gently, before shooting Kylo Ren a look which made the man let go of your arm. That was going to leave a bruise in the morning, maybe you could tell people you’d gotten it while having some great, wait, no nevermind. Mr. Mind Reader is behind you, this is no place to think about that stuff.

“Uh, I'm an engineer on this ship,” you said, figuring he wouldn't care about much else.

“No, your name,” Snoke insisted.

“Oh, uh, (y/n).”

“Very good,” the Supreme Leader said. He seemed to think for a few moments as you shifted uncomfortably. You could feel Kylo Ren’s eyes on your back, but you didn't turn around. ~~You liked the look of your back too.~~

“My student,” Snoke finally said, addressing the murder bucket, “Your body is strong, but it is time your mind became just as powerful. I want this woman to train with you.”

Cue jaw drop number three. You were pretty sure Kylo Ren was doing the same thing.

“What?” The bucket head hissed, fists clenching, and unclenching. Snoke just nodded.

“Yes, my student. Once Luke Skywalker returns with the girl. A new Jedi order will rise, and you will be faced with those who can push thoughts to you. You must learn to control it.”

 _Well hot damn. I think I just became important_. You thought, and you could practically hear the asshat’s eye roll.

“Your training starts today,” Snoke said, and suddenly he was gone. Leaving you grinning at a maniac with a light saber.


	2. General Asshat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If there was one person on this ship you deapised just as much as the murderous lampshade, it was General Hux. That red hair, never out of place. Hands always behind his back; chin upturned as he somehow simultaneously looked down upon you.
> 
> You met the General’s eyes, a determined glint in your own. You were expecting the Knight beside you to say something, explain a bit of what was going on to his associate. But no, the six foot toddler seemed to be giving you the silent treatment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, here I am with chapter 2 as promised. For all of those who've read my first chapter, I want to thank you so much. I extremely appreciate the kudos and comments. I love you guys, enjoy!

Was this a blessing or a curse? ~~You had no golly gosh darn clue.~~ I mean sure, you were now probably going to be considered more of a big shot, but you _did_ now have to spend more time with your least favorite emo. Your mind was reeling with all these thoughts as you struggled to keep up with Commander Pissy Pants as he stalked down the hall.

“So, when do we start?” You asked, excitedly. As much as you despised the short tempered Knight, you were kinda giddy to do something different with your life. Something exciting. You continued to ask ~~stupid~~ perfectly reasonable questions as you pranced next to the man. “Where are we going? Can we go back to the studio; I want my jacket. People are staring. Do you even know what we’re supposed to do? Snoke wasn’t very specific. You walk fast. Are you gonna take your mask helmet thing off for the training?” you fired off, thought after thought coming out of your mouth.

A groan came from the bucket head. At least, you thought it was a groan. It was hard to distinguish what sounds were coming out of that voice converter. For all you know, it could have been a moan for joy! But, no probably not.

“You talk, and **think** too much,” Murder man said. Your response came as a shrug. _There's nothing I can do about that, it's who I am._ The knight shook his head. “Change it anyway. You're giving me a headache,” he said, as if that was the end of the discussion. You looked away from the Commander long enough to realize you were back in the hallway that led to the dance studio. _Aww, you do care about what I want,_ you thought, knowing the Knight could hear. You over dramatically batted your eyelashes, and grinned.

“No,” Kylo Ren grunted, “I just want you to shut up about it.”

Either way, you were happy. You slipped into the room, and pulled on your jacket. Once your bag was in place around your shoulder, you turned back.

“So, where-” you stopped mid sentence when you realized the dark diva had disappeared. You tsked, and smirked. The Commander seemed to be really annoyed with the situation, and since Supreme Leader Snoke seemed to like you, you figured you could play that to your advantage without getting killed. It was time for you to have a little fun with your least favorite Knight of Ren.

You skipped down the hall to your room. Tossing your stuff aside, you went to your closet, and quickly changed. Even though you were off duty, you decided to dress slightly in uniform. Your black jacket with a black short sleeve shirt underneath. Instead of your mandatory pants, you pulled on khakis. Satisfied that you were comfortable, and looked more presentable, you left your quarters in search for the Lampshade of Mayhem.

After roaming the halls a bit, you decided to go to Command Center. Usually you were only allowed there to fix whatever Kylo had broken that day, ~~_technically_ you now had orders from the Supreme Leader,~~ so you could probably schmooze your way in.

With an innocent smile that also had a flirtatious hint to it (it had taken your forever to perfect this look, but once you got a hang of it, you’d seen its many perks. Free drinks, extra muffins, other fun stuff) you walked up to the two storm troopers posted outside the Command Center door. They both turned towards you, and you knew that even without a word, you had them… ~~At least you thought you did~~.

“Hello, I'm just going to find the Commander, he needed to speak to me,” you half lied, batting your eyelashes the entire time. The white buckets looked at each other, then back to you.

“No,” they said in unison.

 _Damn. So much for using looks to get in. Turns out my super smarts are needed to save the day._ You straightened up, and pulled your shoulders back.

“I’m one of the ship’s engineers, and I was called to fix a reverser that seems to be out of its fully stowed position, and if you don't let me in to fix it, there’s a possibility for full deployment which leaves a probability of the catastrophic result in loss of control over the ship,” you said, words tumbling out quickly. The storm troopers seemed puzzled, and they didn't speak for a long period of time.

 

You sighed, and shifted your weight from one foot to the other. “Listen, I'd prefer to live to see another donut day in the cafeteria, so can you please let me in?” You asked. The guards stepped aside, and you concealed a giddy grin as you sauntered in. ~~You were such a pro. You should be one of those double agents, you could totally fool those Resistance folks.~~

You literally skipped right up to the Commander’s side. General Hux was there as well. Pinched face set into his usual neutral and unreadable expression except for the one eyebrow that crept up just enough to qualify as a curious look.

If there was one person on this ship you deapised just as much as the murderous lampshade, it was General Hux. That red hair, never out of place. Hands always behind his back; chin upturned as he somehow simultaneously looked down upon you. Of course, _he_ was the man you had to report too everyday, seeing that he was the one in charge of supervising the engineer program. Over your year of working here, you'd definitely noticed that he was specifically hard on you, the only female engineer. ~~Misogynistic much?~~

You met the General’s eyes, a determined glint in your own. You were expecting the Knight beside you to say something, explain a bit of what was going on to his associate. But no, the six foot toddler seemed to be giving you the silent treatment.

You folded your hands behind your back ~~mocking Hux~~ , and took a small step fonward.

“I'm under orders of Supreme Leader Snoke to assist Commander Ren in training,” you said. Head held high. ~~It was actually hard not to say something along the lines of Commander lampshade, but you managed.~~

You could swear, that if the General wasn't so uptight, that he’d be laughing right now… Okay chuckling, maybe. Instead, the red haired dick turned to Kylo, and clucked his tongue.

“So, the Supreme Leader believes you need a **woman** to help you. He must finally realize that you need a nanny,” General Asshat said.

 _Wow, um okay, **that** was rude. Why don't you go deepthroat a cactus, and leave us alone._ You internally whined. Mr. Emo Doom Bucket looked at you. Whoops, hopefully the lampshade wouldn't rat out your internal insult.

Instead, the emo Knight ~~twirled~~ turned quickly, cloak swirling, and walked away. He stopped, and looked over his shoulder at you.

“Follow.”

With that, you followed, skipping out in the same manner you’d entered.

So far General Asshat was still a major dick while Commander Asshat was slightly okay. Things were looking up for you.


	3. Commander Koala

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The Supreme leader wants me to navigate your mind,” The Ken Doll from the Doom Barbie collection said, “We shall train for only an hour today, but we will go longer next time.” You nodded wearily, not quite sure what you'd gotten yourself into. Your eyes closed as you began to hear a ringing in your ears, and feel pressure increasing in your skull. You vaguely recognized the feeling from earlier today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, look at me posting earlier than I have been. I still can't believe people are reading this, so thank you! I hope you like this chapter!

_Can't. Breath. Heart. Racing. Knees. Shaking. Panting._ It was when you collapsed on the ground of some room that the emo diva took you too that you realized you were horribly out of shape. Sure you could stretch your leg over your head while turning, but apparently that wasn't the same things as jogging for fifteen minutes. You desperately needed some cardio in your workouts.

“You do. Realize. That. Not everyone. Has. Long. Legs,” you panted out, glaring at the dress wearing lampshade. Thanks to him, you jogged all the way from Command Center in the front of the Finalizer to the training rooms way way way in the back of the huge ship.

~~Why did you get the feeling the face behind the bucket was smirking.~~

You sat up, and looked around the room. It wasn't huge, not really what you were expecting of a training room. No mat on the ground, no weapons, and no tools to practice with. There were four cushions arranged in a square in the middle of the room, and that was it.

“This is not a physical training room,” Commander Doom said, hearing your thoughts once again. You pouted, there goes your dream of learning how to fight with a Lightsaber. He continued talking (though you could swear he had rolled his eyes), “This room is equally important. Where one focuses on being self aware, and betterment of the individual.”

You nod slowly, still kind of confused. _So… Mediation. Is this a yoga studio, I refuse to do yoga with a maniac in a dress and bucket._

The Commander huffed in annoyance at your thoughts. You were still sitting of the floor as you watched him stand still for a moment, towering over you. With a sigh, he reached up, and grabbed onto his helmet. Your head tilted as you watched Mr. Murder. Surely he was kidding, he wouldn't let you see his face. Apparently, not many people have seen the Commander’s face, so you doubted he’d give you the honor. You heard it unlock, and a piece on the front moved up as a hiss of air signaled depressurization. The Knight pulled off the hunk of metal, and just let it fall to the ground with a **clank**.

“I assure you, this is not yoga.”

Hoooooollllllllly fuck. This had to be a dream. Maybe he was using the force to put this image in your brain. You scrambled upright (still shaking from overexertion) and practically tiptoed closer to the Knight.

You didn't know what you had been expecting, but it definitely wasn't an angular face with high cheekbones, longish raven black hair, golden brown eyes that made him look like a lost puppy, and a dusting of freckles. ~~For someone known as the Dark Menace, Kylo Ren had the face of an angel~~. You reached out to poke the emo barbie’s cheek, but he swatted your hand away. _I just wanted to make sure he’s real, he didn't have to go and push my hand away. It's not like everyday I get to see the Commander’s face and realize he’s a real babe… Wait? Fudge nuggets, I bet he can hear me._

Your mind had to have been playing tricks on you then, because you could swear his cheeks tinted pink. It was gone in a moment, so you brushed the thought aside, and tried to focus on not getting stabbed because your internal monologue decided to say things that could get you killed.

You realized that you’d been staring too long, eyes wide from shock, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to look away from the beautiful man in front of you. You noticed a slightly raised scar that traveled diagonally across his face. It was still pink, and healing, which meant that it had to have been a recent wound.

You finally shook yourself out of the trance, and scolded yourself. You still hated the emo Barbie, and knowing what he looked like shouldn't change that… ~~Even if only a handful of people have seen him maskless.~~ It _doesn't_ matter.

Kylo Ren removed his cloak, and laid it next to the mask before he moved over to the cushions, and sat cross legged on one.

You looked from mask, to cloak, to Knight, and back. Finally, it hit you. _This is all really happening. I have to train with **the** Kylo Ren because we (for some strange reason) have a connection to each other. This is my life now._

“I wouldn't call it a connection,” The deep voice rung out, smooth like honey, without the voice converter.

You walked to the cushion opposite Kylo. Once you sat, and tucked your legs under yourself, you realized how close the two of you were, and a small bolt of fear coursed up from your gut. It would have been so easy for him to just turn on that saber, and cut right through you. Or he could have just force choke you out of existence for thinking the wrong thing. You took a deep, shaky breath, and smiled at the Commander.

“The Supreme leader wants me to navigate your mind,” The Ken Doll from the Doom Barbie collection said, “We shall train for only an hour today, but we will go longer next time.” You nodded wearily, not quite sure what you'd gotten yourself into. Your eyes closed as you began to hear a ringing in your ears, and feel pressure increasing in your skull. You vaguely recognized the feeling from earlier today.

You really did try pretty damn hard (at first) to help Kylo navigate through the the mess that was your brain. You hoped some things could continue to be locked away and avoided, so you tried to usher the other through your maze of thoughts, past them.

You focused for like five minutes ~~which is **such** a long time.~~  Then your mind began to wander. _His face reminds me of something, I can't put my finger on it. Um, um, ummmm… A KOALA! ~~cue dark knight to flinch~~ yeah, a koala with those big eyes and big nose which makes them look so cute and cuddly, but they could and would rip your face off without a second thought. So yup, he was definitely a koala. Aww, I love koalas. I want one. Now I really want one. Now I really really want one. Now I really really re-_

“Quiet!” Bellowed Commander Koala bringing your from your thoughts of fluffy koala bears. “You **need** to focus,” he said. His eyes closed as he rubbed his temples. _Oh, don't blame me for your headache. It's not my fault you're a constant ball of stress._

Big brown eyes didn't reply, and instead seemed to focus again. You decided to try again… It would probably be best if you didn't upset the commander into a murderous rampage.

The deeper inside your brain you got, the more light headed you began to feel. Kylo insisted on pushing further, even though you’d grown apprehensive. _Please… Can we call it a day?_ The mother trucker just ignored you, and pushed further. It wasn't until you got to your teenage memories that your eyes rolled back into your head, and you passed out.

 _I told you so!_ Was the last thought that ran through your head before the world went dark.


	4. Building a Fortress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh no,” you said quickly, “no no no no no. I don't like you enough to let you pick around my brain just to have me faint again and again and again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so disclaimer. Yesterday, someone pointed out that my fic reminds them of one they've read, so I really want to apologize to Dilatory, because back in the beginning of February, I read the first two chapters of Abstruseness, and forgot that I read it, but that must be where the inspiration of this fic came from. I've reread their fic (which is absolutely amazing by the way, I definitely recommend it to my readers) and I'm trying really hard to go on a separate path. I think I know where this story is going, and I'm really excited to continue. Again, thank for reading, I love you guys, and enjoy!

_What’s beeping? Is my popcorn done? Oh wait, this definitely is not my bed, and that definitely feels like an IV stuck in my arm. Fuck! Why the hell does my head hurt so bad?_

You groaned, and opened your eyes to find yourself stuck in a stark white room connected to all these beeping machines. You pouted and looked at your arm that had a big ass needle stuck in it. You felt like a goddamn puppet with all those wires.

Your mind became a little less fuzzy, and you were able to remember a little bit of what had happened before you passed out. You wanted a koala, and Kylo Ren was being a dick. Yup, you were pretty sure that just about covered it.

A nurse came in to find you awake, and called in the Doctor. According to all the big words from the guy with a PhD, you’d passed out duh and, even though you had been sitting, still managed to hit your head pretty hard on the ground. ~~It wouldn't have been right if you hadn't been a complete drama queen, even when passing out.~~ So it didn't surprise you that you'd fucked up your noggin. Smart guy in the white coat also said that it had been expected for you to possibly lose some memory, but no, it was still all there.

After a little while longer of “blah blah blah” (quote by Doctor Smarty Pants), you were left alone again, but this time with the promise of getting out sooner than later. You laid on your bed, staring at the ceiling, and humming the same song ~~Imperial March~~ to yourself over and over.

It wasn't until you heard a mechanical throat clearing that you realized you weren't alone. And, by some crazy random happenstance, it turned out to be Commander Horrible’s Kill Along Blog. Mask and all.

“I hope you're here to apologize,” you say as you attempt to do a sassy hair flip, but it dramatically fails thanks to the tubes in your arm. So, to save your dignity, you stare up at the ceiling again. Yeah, that’ll show him.

Silence. That was the reply you received.

Two could play at this game though, so you returned Kylo’s silent treatment. It had to have gone on like that ,the bucket staring at you, and you staring at the ceiling, for a very long five minutes before bucket spoke.

“I could feel you regain consciousness,” the voice said.

“Well, whoopy for you,” came your reply.

“I am pleased with our progress two days ago-”

“Shit, I was not a civilized member of the land of the living for **two days**?”

“Correct. Now, I believe we made progress. We need to continue the training.”

“Oh no,” you said quickly, “no no no no no. I don't like you enough to let you pick around my brain just to have me faint again and again and again.”

“It was not a question, it was an order.”

You shook your head fiercely, ignoring the fact that doing so made your head pound, and thought about barricading your mind with a fortress, moat, and guards. No low life Ken doll was getting in your brain.

The metal head tilted to the side. “Your thoughts have been shut off to me,” he said, seeming almost annoyed.

You sigh in relief, “ **Good**!”

Tall, Dark, and Murderous didn't reply, making you feel a little uneasy. What if he thought of you as waste now, and killed you.

“I have more to study of you. We begin the hour after your release,” Commander Koala said, and your mouth fell open.

“What? No! Why-” your complaints were cut short by the six foot toddler storming out of the room. You could distinctly remember why you hated Kylo Ren now.

You quickly tore down your blockade so you could mentally scream at the Commander. _Don't you **dare** storm out on me! I know how to talk to you anyway. I swear to the Force, that if you make me pass out again, the moment I come too, I'm comin for ya buddy. I'm not losing my memory as a result of you learning a little party trick to stop people from mentally screaming at you like I am right now!_

You continued to fume in the hospital room, heart monitor beeping faster. You flopped back onto the bed, and muttered incoherent threats, and had the sweet image of punching Commander Asshat in his perfect face before the drugs pulled you back into dreamland.

An hour later you were being discharged from the medic ward, you instantly had a change of heart.

“I think I need to stay the night I still feel, um, lightheaded. Yeah, lightheaded. I mean, the world is spinning,” you lied, pulling in your best acting skills to wobble a little. The doctor didn't even look up from his tablet of medical notes.

“I assure you that you’re perfectly fine,” came his monotone reply.

“Oh no I'm not!

“Yes, you are.”

_How would he know? I threatened the only person on this murder ship with a lightsaber! He could kill me and it would be this doctor’s fault for kicking me out of this comforting white room! Sure the absolute whiteness is driving me insane, but I'd rather be a little coo coo for Cocoa Puffs than stabbed to death._

Unlike the esteemed Commander Crazy, Doctor Incompetent apparently couldn't hear your internal monologue, so you were quite literally booted from the military grade mattress.

You huffed, and skipped down the hallway, ~~hey, a bad day couldn't keep you from the joys of skipping.~~ You found the way to your quarters, and let yourself in before shutting the door. Maybe you could lock yourself in here and refuse to come out. He couldn't get you then. Yeah, that's what you'll do. So you shoved a chair under the door handle, built yourself a blanket fortress, and huddled in the corner, paperweight in hand. ~~What? It was the only weapon you could find on such a short notice.~~

After ~~intently staring~~ glancing at your watch, you saw it was an hour after your discharge from the hospital. You could feel a buzzing in your head, and you tried to block it out, dig your moat, but it didn't seem the work. The pressure increased in your noggin to the point of exploding, and suddenly the door to your room flew open. There stood Commander emo Barbie in all his glory. You screeched, and threw the paperweight.


	5. You'll Never Take Me Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We are not leaving until you focus,” Kylo said. He looked like he wanted to kill you one way or another, you counted that as a success for operation annoy Kylo to death. You crossed your arms, but let your mind relax.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I wrote two chapters in one day, I'm just so excited for this story, ideas keep coming. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Love you guys!

The paperweight… Stopped. It stopped midair. You pondered how that was possible when you remembered. Kylo Ren had the force. The force equaled magic. Magic equaled stopping heavy objects from colliding with your beautiful face. That caused you to realize offhandedly that Kylo wasn't wearing his mask, but was carrying it. ~~Had he taken it off just for you?~~

You decide not to stick around to find out what the paperweight’s future looked like, so you tried to get up and bolt around the knight and his cloaks. You heard the weight drop to the ground, and suddenly your arm was grabbed.

“You’ll never take me alive!” You yelled as you started to twist, and pull, and flail, and kick. You may have been small, but you were mighty! The Barbie dropped his bucket of a mask with an annoyed huff, and wrapped both arms around you, pulling you to him. You could feel your back flush against his chest, and you kicked harder, aiming for a knee, or something, but to no avail. _How the hell am I not hitting anything? He's gotta have a leg somewhere!_

“ **Enough**!” The angry koala bellowed. You shrugged at that, if he wished.

You stopped struggling, and became dead weight in his arms. Sadly, he held you up easily. Damn your slight build. He used the force to grab his helmet, and slipped it over his glorious locks. You whined as he literally picked you up, and slung you over his shoulder.

“What the fuck dude! I can walk,” you grumbled as he began to move down the hallway.

“No, I don't believe you can,” Bucket replied smuggly. That prick, you’d show him! You went to kick him, only to find your legs were _paralyzed_.

“You dick! You're using the force on my legs!”

Shrug.

“You better put me down!”

Shrug.

“What’re people gonna think when you walk past them we me over your shoulder?”

Shrug.

_Ugh, fine. Whatever. Why’s he have to be so strong? It isn’t fair. Why couldn't you find someone strong like this. Could make for some fun in the bedroom. Wait, stop! Calm down. No thinking._

Chrome head chuckled as he undoubtedly listened to your internal narration.

 _Dick_.

Names seemed not to phase your chauffeur, as he just continued to walk. You could hear people conversing ahead, and you groaned. This was the last way you wanted to be seen. So, you drooped over, and pressed your face into the Big Unfriendly Giant’s back.

_He smells good._

As you passed, the voices went silent. Kylo didn't even hesitate. You kept your face pressed into the dark cloak until Kylo made it to his destination, and he let you slide to the ground. Once again, you found yourself sprawled out as the knight towered above.

You blew a hair out of your face, and grumbled as you glared at the other. You stood up, and brushed yourself off before squaring your shoulders, and standing tall. The douche must have been reading your mind again, because he force pushed the door closed, and you knew it had to be locked.

Throwing your hands in the air in frustration, you began to storm around the room. Who knew how long the two of you would be locked in here. In defeat, you plopped down on one of the cushions. Kylo Ren walked over, and sat on the one opposite of you.

“I'm happy to see your ready to comply,” he said. The commander watched you for a moment before he removed his helmet again. You kept your mouth clamped shut, and thoughts as quiet as you could ~~which was more difficult than it should have been~~ and you watched his pretty hair frame his face perfectly.

You tried to build the mind fortress again, but could feel that it wasn't working. Maybe if you could just stay distracted, he wouldn't be able to focus. You grinned, and hummed. Next, you stood up, and walked around the room a few times, brown eyes following you like they were being magnetically pulled. Once you got bored of that, you kicked a cushion out of your way, clearing the floor a bit. You began to do different turns, easy ones, difficult ones, entire turn sequences. ~~Each one done perfectly, if you do say so yourself.~~

“ **What** are you doing?” Came the confused voice of the commander.

“At the moment? Fouettés,” you replied, prepping for your next turn. You spotted once before you extended your right leg to the side, and then brought your big toe to your left knee, turning the whole time. You repeated this motion four times before you ended with a float, right leg held straight to the side, making a ninety degree angle with your vertical left one as you rotated around. You managed to almost kick the commander in the head during this process.

“You need to stop and focus,” Kylo said, sounding annoyed. Or maybe he always sounded like that, you couldn't tell anymore.

“No,” you replied, launching into a set of shenaes, spanning the perimeter of the room.

You glared at the toddler as you were lifted from the ground, and set on the opposite cushion again.

“We are not leaving until you focus,” Kylo said. He looked like he wanted to kill you one way or another, ~~you counted that as a success for operation annoy Kylo to death~~. You crossed your arms, but let your mind relax. As much as you hated this, you did want to eat sometime soon.

The shadeless lampshade raised his brows, “Dinner was half an hour ago.”

Your entire body froze, and your blood turned to ice. That was one sentence you never wanted to hear in your life. How **dare** this dick make you miss dinner! You were on the mend, and needed the sustenance! Why did he hate you so much? Sure you hauled a paperweight at his head, but you didn't deserve this! ~~Or did you… Nah, no one deserves to starve!~~ As your mind continued on its rampage, Kylo rubbed his temples. Good! He deserved a headache for this.

“I will see to it that you're fed, alright,” he said.

“Goddamn right you’ll- wait, you said what now?” You replied, stopping short when the Commander’s words sunk in. You didn't care how much you hated the man, you couldn't help but throw your arms around him. Food was really important to you, and he was willing to provide it! The knight in black peeled you off, and you dropped your arms, still grinning.

“Will you focus now?” Ren asked. You nod vigorously. “Very well,” he sighed.

Legs crossed, hands folded in your lap, you stared intently at the other, mind opening up to him. His brown eyes meet you (y/e/c) ones, and you felt electricity run down your spine. Your eyes remained locked on Kylo’s for the rest of the session.

Almost two and a half hours later, you were still conscious. Yay! No two day coma for you, bravo!

Today, the knight seemed focused on going through the rest of your memories before he went on to any of the important stuff. He said he wanted to get a hang of navigating around first. You felt slightly exposed as he learned everything that’s happened to you. From the time you fell off your bike at the age of four, to the moment you lost your virginity. (Both of you had turned red at that one).

Ren looked just as exhausted as you felt by the end of it. You may not have passed out, but you were on the verge of falling asleep. The only thing keeping you up was the rumbling in your stomach, which you were ready to make Mr. Koala fix.

Kylo rolled his eyes, “Stop calling me that. And if you want to eat, we need to go.” To which you nodded, and clambered upright. You had overestimated your energy though, and almost fell over. The knight had been kind enough to hold a hand out and stable you.

“Thanks,” you murmured. No reply came.

Commander Koala unlocked the door ~~you weren't gonna stop with the name. It was too accurate~~ and headed down the hall with you on his heels.


	6. Was it Satisfying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “From your thoughts, I could conclude that you do not like the general. Was I wrong?” His mechanical voice questioned. You shook your head before he continued,“So, I trust that you found that satisfying.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was super fun to write. I love where Kylo and the reader's relationship is going!

You must have looked like an excited puppy, trotting alongside the now masked Commander. It was surprising that you didn't care, the fact that you’d do anything for food overpowered your pride. You didn't even care if the food served up to the members of the First Order was usually shapeless goo with no consistency. Food was food. ~~Also, you’d had a thing with one of the cooks, so you could sneak good stuff for yourself every now and then.~~

Your confusion must have been evident on your face when the two of you passed the cafeteria.

 _You promised me food,_ you thought, a little upset.

“I had. Now, are you going to keep up, or shall I **carry** you again,” the converted voice said. You're face steeled, and you jogged next to the bucket.

Walk, turn, walk, turn, turn, up a few floors, down a few hallways, and viola! The commander stopped walking. Your breath came out in quiet pants, and you surveyed your surroundings. The dull grey hallways had morphed into black ones with… Was that art on the walls?

You looked at Ren, and wondered if he was smiling as he led you into a room. You stopped in your tracks as the most delicious smell wafted from the opposite side of the room. You almost started drooling as you noticed a buffet of hot food set against the wall. Was this what your superiors always got to eat? Because hot damn, you could get used to this. You ~~sprinted~~ walked casually to the buffet, grabbed a plate, and decided not to be shy in piling on food. By the time you started eating, you barely noticed Ren sit across from you.

You were about halfway done when you realized Commander Koala was in fact not eating, and was just sitting and staring at you. The heat in your cheeks increased as you blushed, and slowed your pace.

“I didn't realize you were so starved,” Came the deep, rough voice.

You shrugged, and stared at your chicken Alfredo pasta, garlic bread, salad, and cake for dessert.

“I'm always hungry,” you replied, “Besides, I can't remember the last time I could actually name what I was eating.”

“Is that so?” He muttered. You shoveed another forkful of food in your mouth, and nodded.

A few minutes passed by in silence as you focused on eating, and not the feeling of eyes boring holes into you. The beautiful silence was interrupted as General Hux walked into the room.

Kylo moved himself between you and Hux as he came closer. You furrowed your brows, and slowly put your fork down. _Why are you blockading yourself between me and General Asshat?_

No reply. That was really starting to get irritating.

“Well well well. If it isn't Kylo’s nanny,” Hux said. His face was set in its usual pinched expression, but his voice was taunting. You rolled your eyes and went to say something, but your jaw wouldn’t open. You shot Kylo the dirtiest look you could muster. ~~Only if looks could kill.~~

“I don't believe you have any reason to be speaking to her. She is not one of your men,” Kylo’s converted voice rung out.

Hux raised a brow, “Oh, but she is. She is one of my engineers, and she did not report to duty today. I have come looking for her.”

 _I was in the hospital, dickbag! And there’s no fucking way he knew I was here, he just wants to make me miserable!_ You mentally scream, actually causing the Commander to flinch. It wasn't a very big movement, but you noticed it.

“I believe (y/n) is under my leadership now. You may relieve her from your command.” Kylo said smoothly. The General actually looked surprised, which made you smile smugly.

“We talked about this,” General Hux growled.

“No. You talked as I ignored,” Kylo said, waving a gloved hand to dismiss the matter. Woo hoo!

Kylo: 1 Hux: 0

You thought the General would get the hint and take his leave, but apparently you had greatly overestimated the red haired prick. He stepped closer, and your heart sped up its pace. A glance at Kylo showed that the bucket was still staring intently at the man.

Another step, and another, and another. The general was only a couple feet away from you when the Commander thought it would be helpful to intervene.

The first thing you noticed was the way Hux’s face turned red, then how he clawed at his throat and started choking. He looked at Ren with wild eyes, and you followed suit. Kylo hadn't even stood up. With his elbow resting lazily on the table, he was force choking Hux.

You looked between the men a few times, trying to understand what was going on. Kylo flicked his wrist, and the General went sliding on the ground towards the door. Gasping for air, he stood, and straightened his uniform.

General asshat shot you daggers, and you could almost swear his eyes were red with fury. He then swiftly turned on his heels, and marched from the room. The pressure on your jaw released, and you rubbed it.

Correction, Kylo: 2 Hux: 0

“I could have defended myself you know,” you said, looking at the door where Hux had just walked out of.

“I was afraid you would, which is why I took care of it,” Kylo replied.

“Still,” you muttered, turning back to your food.

“Is the outcome not to your satisfaction?” The Knight asked, sounding genuinely curious. You couldn't argue there.

“Why’d you defend me anyway? You know I hate your guts,” you said, changing the subject.

Silence.

Putting your fork down again, you glared. “Can you stop with the whole not answering thing, it's really annoying.”

The koala tilted his head, but still didn't speak. You continued to glare.

“From your thoughts, I could conclude that you do not like the general. Was I wrong?” His mechanical voice questioned. You shook your head before he continued,“So, I trust that you found that satisfying.”

“Ok, it was,” you relented with a smile. Temper tantrums aside, maybe Kylo Ren wasn't so bad after all.


	7. Lost Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "How long were you watching?"
> 
> "Since the song started."
> 
> "Oh."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm sorry I changed the name of my fic, but I think the new one fits a lot better, and you'll see why. This chapter really starts to get into the relationship between Reader and Kylo, and I think you'll like it. I picked Lost Boy by Ruth B. For a specific reason, and would strongly recommend you listen to it. I actually do have a dance to this song, and am kinda thinking about linking it so you guys can see what I'm talking about. I'd love your input!

“Five, six, seven, eight,” you counted to yourself before launching into the newest routine you were choreographing. No one ever got to see the dances you made up, but that was due to the fact that you didn't trust anyone enough to let them watch.

Dance was something very personal to you. Your choreography captured your feelings and emotions. It was like a diary, it said everything about you. Therefore it was understandable why you didn't particularly enjoy having people watch.

Right now, you were working on a contemporary piece, and the movements calmed you. After two run-throughs your mind began to wander, as it usually did. You often did your best thinking while dancing.

It had been a four days since you woke up in the hospital, and things with Kylo were progressing pretty well. You were still getting to know each other, and the relationship’s dynamics were forming, but you were pretty sure he was almost a friend. Did Kylo Ren even have friends though?

You’d work during the day, relax in your room for an hour, dance for three, have you mind meld with Kylo for two, then he’d take you to the important people’s cafeteria to eat. ~~Best food you’d ever eaten~~. You hadn't seen Hux since that night Kylo force choked the bejeezus out of him, and you were content to leave it that way.

You finished the dance, and checked your watch. There was still ten minutes before you had to meet Commander Koala, so you figured you had time for one more run through. Lost Boy started again, and you did improv for a count of eight before you launched into the dance.

It wasn't until the song ended that you noticed the figure in black leaning against the doorway. You blushed instantly, eyes big as you whipped around to look at the Commander. His mask was off, and he was smiling.

“How long were you watching?” You asked shyly. You were never shy, especially around him, but he’d caught you unaware.

“Since the song started.”

“Oh,” that was a lot longer than you’d been hoping. You looked down, and fidgeted nervously.

Kylo stepped in the room, and pushed the door shut. “You’re very talented,” he said softly, causing you to look up and meet his eyes.

“Thank you,” you whispered, not really sure what else to say. You thought the meeting wasn't for another five minutes, so you wondered why he was here. The man that was almost a foot taller than you shrugged away your thoughts.

“I felt your longing,” he admitted, “So I'd come to make sure you were alright.”

That meant a lot to you. There weren't too many people in your life at the moment that cared about your feelings. You weren't too good at this gushy talk though, so you decided to change the subject. “The mirror’s fixed,” you said, pointing to it.

Kylo barely spared it a glance.

You ran a hand through your messy hair, and tugged lightly at the legs of your shorts, wishing them to magically become longer. Kylo followed the movement with his eyes. Turning to hide your blush, you gather your bag, and pull on a jacket.

“So, shall we go? I don't know about you, but I wanna get through this and get some food.”

The commander smiled, ~~well, more of a corner of the lips barely turning up~~ , and stepped aside to let you past. You walk out, and head towards the training room.

The walk through the ship was unusually silent today. Normally, you would talk as Kylo listened, but your thoughts consumed you too much to actually speak. No one on the ship had ever seen you dance before, let alone the Commander. Also, given the bond you two were building, what had he learned from it?

“I apologize if I have made you uncomfortable, it was not my intention,” the dark haired man said. ~~It was odd that he kept his helmet off today while walking, anyone could see him. Maybe the force told him no one was around~~. You stopped in your tracks, brain short circuiting. Did…. Did **the** Kylo Ren just apologize. To **you** of all people. Well shit.

He stopped, and turned to you with a curious look. The act of his eyes meeting yours helped you find movement again.

“It's alright,” you said as you continued walking, “it's just… I don't really let people watch me dance to my own choreography. It's personal is all. You’re the first on the ship, actually.”

Kylo hummed his acknowledgment to your confession. You expected more, but there was no other reply.

 _Ok, that's ok. I can deal with that._ You told yourself, half listening for Kylo’s remark like the usual ones you received for your thoughts, but again, nothing.

The both of you arrived at your destination, and once inside, you decided to take the jacket back off. You then seated yourself on your designated cushion, and watched as Ken Doll followed suit. He looked curiously at the jacket on the ground, then raised an eyebrow at you.

You shrug, “You’ve seen me dance, I have nothing to hide around you anymore.”

Kylo nodded curtly. He then remained quiet as he thought something over.

“I don't want you working anymore.”

“I'm sorry, what the hell was that?!”

“I don't want you working. Under Hux. I want you under me. Work on the Command Shuttle.”

“No Fucking way… You’re kidding, right?”  ~~You we’re too excited to giggle act the fact Kylo said he wants you under him.~~

“Why would I joke?”

“Holy shit! That's a huge promotion!”

Kylo looked amused at your excitement. He took his cloak off, and laid it aside. “I believe you can be trusted.”

“Oh, wow. Thank you sir!”

“Do not disappoint me.”

“I wouldn't dream of it!” You replied, practically buzzing. This was huge. It was a known fact that no one got to touch the Command Shuttle unless absolutely necessary. To be assigned to the ship was something you’d never expected. Even though you were top of your graduating class, you’d figured that someone else would be chosen for an opportunity like this. You didn't want to ask if it was your qualifications, or the almost friends status that earned you the promotion, because you didn't want to spoil the mood. ~~Kylo Ren wouldn't be one to play favorites anyway… Right?~~

“We should start,” the Knight said after letting you celebrate for a few moments. To which you nod.

You continued to bubble with happiness for the rest of the night.


	8. First Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your alarm went off the next morning, but you were already up. This was your first day working on the Commander’s Shuttle, and you didn't want to be late. Even if Kylo already liked you at least you thought he did, you wanted to put your best foot forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry for not posting yesterday, it was a busy day. Also, I had a bit of writers block, wasn't really sure how I wanted this chapter to go. I'm pretty happy with it though. School starts again this week, so I'm hoping to post again on Friday, if I post before that, yay, but Friday at the latest. Enjoy!

Your alarm went off the next morning, but you were already up. This was your first day working on the Commander’s Shuttle, and you didn't want to be late. Even if Kylo already liked you ~~at least you thought he did~~ , you wanted to put your best foot forward.

You hummed as you walked down the halls towards the docking bay, and spotted the shuttle on the far side. A grin slowly spread across your face as you got closer. This was going to be amazing. You swept your eyes over the exterior of the ship. She really was a beauty.

Once at the shuttle, you walked around it, examining the outside in detail, carefully cataloging everything. Rounding back to the front of the ship, you noticed Kylo Ren standing at the bottom of the loading ramp that led into the nose of the ship. You stopped in front of him, and held out your hand to shake.

“I don't think we ever formally met you know. My name is (y/n), and I'm very pleased to be the engineer for your shuttle, Sir,” you say cheerily. You wondered what Kylo’s facial expression was behind the mask as he took your hand and shook it. His grip was firm, but with a gentleness that you hadn't been expecting.

His greeting came in the form of a slight bow of the head in acknowledgement. He turned, and headed up the ramp, hands grasped behind his back. Apparently, he expected you to follow, which you did with a brisk walk.

“This ship has two SJFS-200a sublight ion engines, and is composed mainly of durasteel,” The dark lord said as he led you inside, “I trust you to do preliminary checks after I show you around.”

“Of course, sir,” came your reply. You noticed the Commander was more uptight and close lipped outside the training room. The inside of the ship was more spacious than it looked like it would be. A ladder led to the cockpit which sat above the loading area, a space that had two rows of seats against the side walls, and also storage room for equipment.

“The wings can be accessed from outside the shuttle. The upper wing is where you’ll find the sensor suites, while the lower wing contains the jammers and shield projectors,” Kylo explained with you listening intently. You made notes in your data pad. It was quite obvious that Kylo knew plenty about his ship, and cared for her, so you decided right then and there to protect her with your life.

Once Kylo was done talking, you looked around. You were sure glee was going to be your constant emotion from here on out, ~~much to Kylo’s dismay.~~

 _I wonder why he picked me to take care of his shuttle, and who has to take over my clean up duties? Just look at this! It's amazing! I wonder if I'll ever get to ride on it._ Your thoughts continued to fire off as you looked around inside.

Kylo watched you intently the entire time, but you didn't pay any mind to it. It seemed to be a pass time of his, just staring at you all the time. ~~Whatever, he could do what he wanted.~~

“We could go now,” the voice rumbled out.

“Hmm?” You asked, half paying attention as you looked over all the equipment.

“We could take the shuttle out now.”

You whipped around, “Really?!” You practically squealed. Kylo stepped aside, and pressed a button which drew up the ramp. He took off his helmet, setting it aside, before he rubbed his temples. ~~Maybe you needed to stop making loud noises around him, he seemed to hate them. Like a cat.~~

You cocked your head to the side, “Don't we need a pilot?”

Kylo rolled his eyes, and walked to the cockpit, you following closely. “We have one.”

“Oh… You can fly?”

“Of course I can,” he replied like it was the dumbest question you’d ever ask. ~~Maybe it was.~~

You sat delicately in the co pilot’s seat, and watched as the commander now pilot pushed bottoms, and switched switches. The engine warmed up.

“Turn that,” Kylo said, pointing to something on your side of the panel. You complied.

“Why didn't you use the force?” You asked curiously, you were sure it would have been just as easy as having you do it.

“Not everything needs to be done using the Force,” he replied. Valid.

The command shuttle lifted from the deck, and moved slowly towards the open doors, and sped up as it left the Finalizer. You sat quietly in awe. It wasn't too often you had the opportunity to take a small ship into space.

After ten minutes, Kylo spoke. “You’re surprisingly quiet,” he noted.

You nodded slowly as you stared out the window. “It's all so beautiful,” you murmured.

No reply was needed, so you weren't upset when you didn't get one.

It wasn't too long until the ship came to a gorgeous nebula. Once you got close, Kylo skillfully stopped the shuttle, and turned off the engine so the ship just sat in space.

“That song. What was it?” He asked, creating the most awkward change of subject you ever remember experiencing.

“Um, what?” You asked, confused.

“The song. The one you were dancing to yesterday. What was it?” Kylo repeated, swiveling the chair so he was facing you entirely.

“Oh, uh, Lost Boy…” You wanted to ask why he wanted to know, but knew you wouldn't get an answer. The silence was almost deafening, so you looked back at the nebula. The colors were amazing, you could have stared at it forever. You got up, though, and walked around the ship, inspecting it once more. Again, Kylo’s eyes followed you.

“You are going to be on this ship a lot. You need to get to know it,” he said, breaking the silence. To which you nodded. “And you will be on it when I am to go on missions,” the Commander went on to say.

You spun around, “Really?”

“Yes, so I want you to train in combat for when we go on missions. You won't be leaving the shuttle, but I want you prepared in case. I will oversee that,” Kylo said.

“Alright,” you said, hiding a smile, if only he knew. You wanted to play with that though. If Kylo heard your thoughts, he didn't say anything.

You returned to the copilot’s seat, and the two of you didn't talk for a long time. It was a nice silence this time.

To your disappointment, the lampshade switched on the engine again, and headed back to the Finalizer. Oh well, at least you’d get to ride it again. Once back, Kylo left without a word, leaving you the rest of the day to catalog.


	9. The Night Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Can we take a break tonight? No offense, but you don't look like you're in any shape to pick around my brain, let alone teach me to fight,” you said, hoping to convince him. You just wanted to take a hot shower, and read a book before going to eat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seemed to have a lot of inspiration to write today, so here we are with another chapter. Our favorite Bucket of Doom seems to like making himself at home in this one. Oh, one last thing. I seriously love you all, your comments make me smile, and all the kudos and bookmarks really keep me writing. Enjoy!

Your first day went by a lot quicker than you had anticipated. It felt like you had just gotten back from the nebula when you were signing out from your shift. You hummed as you made one last sweep around the ship, making sure everything was in place, before you headed out of the hanger. You were ready to get back to your room and change and relax before going to super secret mind training.

Your thoughts wandered to the little trip with Kylo as you mindlessly entered the code to your room on the keypad. The lock made a soft click as it unlocked, and you stepped inside. It took you all of closing the door, turning around, and taking your hair out of its bun to realize that you weren't actually alone.

“Holy Fuck! Are you breaking into my room now, what the hell!” You yelled, hand over your heart to hopefully keep it from beating out of your chest. Kylo ~~surprise surprise~~ said nothing in return. Instead he stared down at the mask in his lap. He looked like a lost puppy. ~~Damn, he was starting to look like too many animals… Maybe puppy would fit best. You had a feeling it would, you know, minus the whole excited at everything part.~~ You walked over, and sat beside the dark menace.

“How long have you been here?” You asked, a little calmer.

“A short while,” Kylo replied, he seemed to sit up taller, and return to his usual, broody, self. He stood, and began to pace back and forth. Something was clearly on his mind.

“Spill,” you said, leaning forward. Hopefully it was gossip. You were quite the collector of little tidbits of other people’s lives. Not that you used any of that information, but you just nicely stored it in the back of your mind. You knew that not everything you heard was true, but you had quite the talent for picking out which information wasn't true, even just after hearing it.

“You wouldn't understand,” Kylo replied, the leather clad hand not holding the mask coming up to absentmindedly stroke the side of his face where the corner of that long scar that was. You noticed the movement, and wondered if what was bothering him had anything to do with it. Kylo must have heard your thoughts, because he quickly jerked his hand away, and instead began to tug at his hair. An action which must have been a nervous habit.

“Try me,” you challenged.

The menace huffed out an annoyed sigh, and shook his head. “Your combat training. It starts tonight,” he said, “before we focus on the mind.”

Your face fell, and you groaned. You were exhausted after working so hard to do a good job on the shuttle today, and honestly, Kylo looked like a wreck.

“Can we take a break tonight? No offense, but you don't look like you're in any shape to pick around my brain, let alone teach me to fight,” you said, hoping to convince him. You just wanted to take a hot shower, and read a book before going to eat.

Kylo pressed his full lips into a thin line, and narrowed his eyes at you. You honestly thought he was about to explode on you for even having that thought. You were surprised when he dropped his helmet on the floor ~~undoubtedly leaving a dent in the metal~~ and collapsed onto the couch again. You had to scramble to the side to avoid being crushed.

Looking at the Knight with furrowed brows, you watched him run his hands over his face, then tugging at his hair again. With him closer, you could see the dark circles under his eyes. He looked like he got less sleep at night than you did. Being commander of the entire First Order had to be stressful. Your eyes wandered from the circles, to the scar. It must have been an ugly wound at first, ~~_but I have to admit that the scar left behind was pretty cool_~~ , your thought brought a smile to those full, pink lips. Quickly looking away, your eyes caught on one of his few freckles. You liked them, the small scattering looked like it could have been a constellation.

“I was gonna read…” You said coming back to your senses as you got up to grab your book. You picked it up from the small, two person kitchen table by the front door, and held it up. You turned back around just in time to watch Kylo move so he was lying over the entire couch, his feet and a good amount of his lower legs over the arm of the couch that was opposite his head, ~~why was he so goddamn **tall**? Also, there goes your seat.~~

Kylo closed his eyes, and waved a hand to you. “Go ahead,” he muttered, resting his hands on his chest.

You stared at him with a confused look on your face for a good minute and a half. _Was he staying here for the entire time you were supposed to train? What the hell? There goes my nice quiet night alone. Why the hell is he so tall anyway? Looks like I'll be reading in my bed._

Kylo opened his eyes halfway, and glanced at you. “I can assure you that staring at me will not be quite as interesting as your book,” he drawled out.

You roll your eyes, and walk over to your bed. At least the quarters had a studio layout, everything in one room besides the bathroom. You could keep an eye on him this way, kick him out if it looked like he was going to start destroying stuff.

Snuggling under your covers, and leaning against the wall behind your bed, you put your book down. Kylo was wrong, right now, he was infinitely more interesting than your book. The couch was opposite your bed in the rectangular room, so you had no trouble watching him. The couch sat on one side of the door, kitchen table with stools on the other. A small kitchenette with a fridge, stove, sink, and counter laid against the shorter wall that was opposite your quaint living room area. Bookshelves lining the other shorter wall. The living quarters were small, but homey. You liked it. Kylo turned his head to look at you again, his dark, half lidded eyes meeting your own.

“No need to stare at me the entire time,” he practically growled, you didn't bother averting your gaze. He'd done this to you countless times, it was time for a taste of his own medicine.

“I wasn't really asking you to stay when I asked for the night off ya know,” you said, feeling brave. Kylo cocked a brow up.

“Maybe not,” came his reply, “But if Hux believes us to be working, he won't annoy me, and therefore I won't punch him in the throat.”

“I wouldn't mind if you did,” you muttered, picking up your book, and flipping it open to the page you read last. Not even a full page in, the knight spoke again.

“Why are you here?” He asked.

You replied without even looking away from the words, “it's my room. Why are **you** here?”

Kylo huffed. “That is not what I meant. I am questioning why you are with the First Order. Your memories told me you are from a neutral planet, I haven't found any strong emotions towards our cause. **Why** are you here?” He expanded, propping himself up a bit more.

You reluctantly put down your book, and groaned internally. What? Does he think I'm a spy? That's honestly insane, who in their right mind would make **you** a spy, of all people.

“Simple answer? you guys offered to pay more. I was approached by the Resistance too once I graduated, all my friends signed with them, but here, I make more in my position than their Chief Engineer ever will. Honestly, I'm still pretty neutral on the whole conflict though,” you admitted, hoping that the truth wouldn't upset the Commander. He would have found out one way or another, anyway.

Kylo didn't say anything, but actually smiled. Grant it, it was again only a slight upturn of the corners of his lips up, but it was still a rare smile. To your surprise, you found yourself smiling as well. Oh stars, what was this man doing to you?


	10. I'm Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I'm sorry,” came a soft voice, so soft that you almost thought it hadn't come from Kylo Ren. The guy who was a full on raging maniac the last time you saw him.
> 
> "What?"
> 
> "You heard what I said."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm so sorry that it's been more than a week, but I wanted to try writing longer chapters, and here we are. Do you guys like the longer chapters or no? I'd love to hear from you! Anyway, shit kinda goes down, and our favorite emo ends up in the dog house. Enjoy!

Mush. That's what the First Order served for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Groaning to yourself, you took your tray to one of the tables in a quieter part of the cafeteria, ready to slowly pick your way through the bland food. You were barely even a few bites in when a banana nut muffin dropped on the table in front of you.

With a startled jump, you looked up to see black fabric. With a small smile, you continued to look up until you met the eyes of the mask. You picked up the muffin, and hummed as you pulled off the wrapper. It smelled delicious. _Thank you_. The voice in your head sang out as you took a bite of the baked good.

Without a word, Kylo sat across from you. _That's new… Why are you here?_ The knight just drummed his leather clad fingers on the table top. He seemed agitated ~~well, more than usual at least~~. He continued to stay quiet as you ate your muffin.

“You were thinking about breakfast, very loudly if I might add. I could hear you from the Command Center. I hope this will shut you up.” His monotone voice rang out. He sounded annoyed, but you just shrugged. You couldn't help it if your love for muffins was obnoxious. The heart wants what the heart wants. Also, it was fun to annoy the Commander into being nice to you.

Kylo made a sound that seemed like a scoff at your thoughts. You returned his annoyance with a cheeky grin. Swallowing the last bite, you hummed again, showing your appreciation. Kylo watched with with a tilt of his head. Gathering your trash, you went to discard the forgotten remnants of your previous, bland breakfast. You expected Kylo to leave, but when you turned around, he was still at your table.

“Is there anything else, you want?” You asked as you sat back in your seat. You leaned your elbows on the table, resting your chin in your hands, waiting for a reply.

“We need to begin your training,” his robotic voice droned out, and to that you cocked a brow.

“Now? Isn't it a little early? What about the shuttle?”

Kylo waved a hand at that, “it's fine. I will be leaving at noon for a three day mission to the outer rim. We need to start your training, since you decided to disregard it yesterday.”

You rolled your eyes, “Don’t act like it’s all my fault. I didn't see you complaining when you fell asleep on my couch.”

No response.

You sighed, and stood up. Might as well get this over with. You still had a trick up your sleeve, so maybe this wouldn't take as long as he thought. Side by side, you and the angry bucket walked to the training sector of the Finalizer.

“Didn't you say I'll be accompanying you on the shuttle when you go on missions?” You asked after a few hallways of silence.

“I'm not allowing you to join until I am confident with you training.”

 _Whatever, dad_. You thought with a huff

Kylo’s fists clenched, but other than that, there was no sign that he heard you.

Once you arrived at the sector, Kylo led you into a room, a different one than usual. That made sense since the meditation room wasn't equipped for physical training.

Kylo took off his helmet, and set it aside before running his fingers through his hair. The motion fluffed the beautiful black locks from how the helmet flattened them. You found yourself staring, and turned away, busying yourself by taking off your military issued jacket, and then slipping off your shoes. You were left in a black tank top, and grey, uniform issued pants. It wasn't your first choice in workout clothes, but it would make do.

Kylo pulled off his gloves, then his cloak, discarding them near his helmet. The tall man kept on his black robes.

“Since today is just the beginning, we will not be going very in depth. I would like to test your reflexes, and see what potential you have,” Kylo explained, pacing in a circle around you. Returning to stand in front of you, Ren dropped his arms to his side. “Attack me.” You looked at Kylo skeptically, and he rolled his eyes.

“Stop thinking, and do as I say,” he demanded, to which, you shrug. Well, if he was asking for it.

You dropped into a stance that had always felt natural to you. Stepping forward on your left foot, you turned your body to the side, and pulled your right knee to your chest. You then extended your right leg, executing a side kick. Kylo was startled, but was still able to deflect your foot.

You swung your leg away, and dropped it behind you, shifting your weight to it in one fluid movement, and then turned completely around to swing the back of your elbow into Kylo’s side. The Commander wasn't able to fully stop your attack, and your elbow caught him in the ribs with enough force to bruise, but not cause any real damage. Then, keeping your weight on your right leg, you brought your left knee to your chest, prepping for a spin kick. That's when you felt every muscle in your body lock in place from your neck down.

“Enough,” Kylo growled, and you turned your head to see him glaring at you, rubbing his right side where your elbow had connected with his ribs. You smirked in reply.

“You said attack. So I did.”

“And you didn't find it important to tell me that you already had training?”

If you could have shrugged, you would have. Instead, you had to use your words. Ugh, how boring. “Well, it may be important, but it was more fun to keep it a surprise,” you said, still smirking.

Kylo huffed, but stopped using the force to keep you in place. Rolling your shoulders out, you watched him.

“How have you kept your training a secret?” He asked, to which you actually did shrug.

“I just avoided letting you see that detail, ushered you away from it every time you were taking a little walk through my head.”

Ren hummed in thought to that. But didn't push it further for now. Instead, he focused on your skill, “tell me about your training.”

“Like you know, I'm from a neutral planet, but my parents thought another war was coming. So, to feel safe, they stuck me in taekwondo classes. I've been taking them since I was six.” You explained.

Kylo was about to reply, when a knock came at the door. Ren sighed, and opened it with a flick of his wrist.

A stormtrooper stood in the hall. “Sir,” he said, “Lieutenant Mitaka requests your presence in the monitor room. He has an update on the girl.”

Kylo Ren nodded, face stern and unreadable. “Dismissed,” he said to the stormtrooper, who then left. Kylo slipped his helmet back on, locking it in place before he placed his cloak over his shoulders, hood up. He took large steps down the hall, pulling his gloves on as he went. You were left behind, bewildered.

Mumbling unintelligent comments about Kylo to yourself, be began to pull on your shoes and jacket. You decided to take your time, no sense in rushing if Kylo didn't want you working on the Command Shuttle. A few minutes later, you walked down the hall towards the monitor room.

You were four doors away from your destination when you first heard the low hum of a lightsaber, and then the crash of it slicing into machinery. You groaned as you moved closer, watching as sparks showered out of the room.

Peeking your head around the doorframe, you saw that Kylo was the only one in the room. What used to be a screen mounted on a control panel was now a hunk of molten durasteel. _Goddamn it, Kylo. Calm down_. The angry knight took no notice to your thoughts as he continued to slash at the metal.

You took a deep breath, and stepped inside. “Kylo,” you said gently, trying to push calm thoughts his way. Ren still took no notice, so you inched closer. “Kylo!” You said, louder this time. The Commander swung around, and in the process, his lightsaber grazed your left arm.

“Son of a bitch!” You yelled, right hand moving to grab above the cauterized wound. “What the F-” your curse was cut short as the force drug you by the throat across the last few feet to Kylo’s extended hand.

This wasn't like him.

Your hands clawed at Kylo’s arm trying to get him to let go so your windpipe would stop being crushed. Your brain screamed for oxygen as your left arm went numb from pain. Realizing there was no way you were strong enough to make Kylo let go, you dumbly reached out for his helmet. Vision starting to black out around the edges, you found the buttons on each side, and struggled to pull the mask off. Dropping it to the ground, you were barely able to see Kylo’s dark eyes through your tunnel vision. They were wild and clouded with anger.

Recognition sparked in his eyes just as you passed out from lack of air, and he dropped you to the ground like a rag doll.

“Shit,” he muttered picking your unconscious body back up. He practically ran as he carried you to the medical ward once again.

~~~~~

The first thing that registered was that goddamn beeping again. This time, you knew automatically that you were back in the the extremely white room of the ship’s med bay. You also knew exactly who put you there, if the ache on your neck was any clue.

Without opening your eyes, you groaned, only succeeding to increase the pain in your throat. The douchebag must have almost collapsed your trachea. Next time you saw that dick, he was going to get a piece of your mind. Not only did he choke you halfway to death, but he cut your arm with his damn lightsaber! Carefully reaching your right hand to the wound, you felt at it. There was gauze around your arm, no doubt protecting stitches.

You didn't realize that someone else was in the room until said person cleared their throat, sounding almost hesitant. You turned your head to the side. The movement caused a shot of pain run through your head. Great, why not have a headache on top of all this?

Your eyes slowly peeled open, and at first all you saw was a blob of black. Once your eyes focused you saw **him**. _Fuck you_ , you decided that the sack of assholes wasn't even worth spoken words. The insult bounced around your head long enough for him to cringe. _Good_.

You turned your head back to a neutral position, and closed your eyes. The lights really weren't helping with the headache.

Almost on cue, the lights flipped off, and you snorted. Like Kylo using the Force at your every whim was going to magically make this all better. You continued grumbling to yourself, completely ignoring the fucker in the corner. Well, until he actually spoke.

“I'm sorry,” came a soft voice, so soft that you almost thought it hadn't come from Kylo Ren. The guy who was a full on raging maniac the last time you saw him.

“What?” You managed to croak out. ~~Maybe you heard wrong, maybe the bag of dicks didn't actually speak.~~ You opened you eyes, and braced for the pain as you turned slowly to take in the figure beside your bed.

“You heard what I said,” Kylo growled. He immediately softened though, and completely deflated. “I'm sorry,” he whispered, looking down at his lap. Dear Lord, he really was a toddler. A cute one… No. He wasn't getting out of this.

You huffed, and looked back up at the ceiling. To keep your mind quiet of every thought about the dick, you counted the metal tiles on the ceiling. Kylo didn't seemed phased with you ignoring him, and continued talking.

“This wasn't supposed to happen!” He practically roared, shooting out of his chair to pace the room. “Out of everyone on this entire fucking ship, I never wanted to hurt you! No one is stupid enough to come near me when I'm angry, what were you thinking?”

He didn't seem to expect an answer, and fell back into the chair that had his cloak draped over the back. He looked over at you, and carefully laid an ungloved hand on yours. His hands were colder than you expected, and you could feel that they were calloused from wielding his heavy lightsaber. Your fingers twitched, but you didn't say anything.

“I didn't realize it was you, I would never hurt you on purpose… I'm- I’m sorry.” He said again.

As much as the pain and pleading in his voice stabbed at your heart, you pulled your hand from his grip.

“Get **out**!” You snapped as harshly as your damaged throat would allow. It didn't matter what excuse Kylo came up with, he could have killed you, and probably would have if you hadn't ripped off his damned helmet.

The bucketless bucket seemed personally hurt by your demand, but stood. He slowly pulled his things on, avoiding looking at you the entire time. He pulled on the helmet, the locks clicking in place as he walked to the door. He stopped, and finally looked at you.

“I will check on you later,” he rumbled out. You didn't even bother acknowledging him. The door shut, and you let out the breath you’d been holding.

You didn't know how you felt about Kylo being genuinely sorry. It made staying mad at him a whole lot harder. Oh well, if there was one person on this ship as stubborn as the toddler himself, if was you. And you'd be damned if you didn't have Kylo Ren groveling for your forgiveness by the end of the week.


	11. Back-Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “That was a little over dramatic, don't you think,” you stated loud enough for others to hear, still not sparing the emo teen a single glance. You took another bite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! It's been way too long since I last updated, and I apologize so so much... That wasn't cool of me. I could list off excuses, but it doesn't change the fact I'm here over a month late. I promise at least one update tomorrow to make up for it though, I hope you guys like this chapter!

“Has she exhibited signs?”

Kylo Ren’s face contorted under the mask, though Snoke couldn’t see the expression, he could sense it was there.

“What do you mean, Master?” The confusion is clear, even through the voice modulator.

Snoke’s hologram sat back in his giant chair, and he regarded Ren down his nose.

“The girl, the one you brought to me. Has she exhibited signs of the Force yet? I did not believe you to be so truly naive to think she is not Force sensitive. Her ability is hidden deep, but it is still there,” The Supreme Leader replied.

Ren didn't reply, partly because the question was rhetorical, but mostly because he didn't know what to say. You weren't supposed to be force sensitive, he didn't even want to think about the burden that would be put on you.

The Supreme Leader let out a mocking scoff, “Apparently you are so naive. Now, go. Report back to me if her abilities reveal themselves.”

Kylo bowed slightly, and with that, Snoke was gone. The knight couldn't help frowning as he walked out, and to your quarters. This would complicate things.

~~~~~

This was pure agony!

No, not the arm, ~~though it did hurt,~~ No, this was much **much** worse.

 **This** was Kylo Ren trying to be nice.

You were pretty sure that the knight thought what he was doing was nice, but you’d classify it more as stalking. Everywhere you’d turn, he would be right behind you.

This was worse than when you’d first left your room only to find the tall, dark toddler standing right by the door. Who knew how long he’d been just standing there.

It's not like you needed a babysitter, you couldn't do much anyway. What with all the painkillers. Oh, and the fact that your left arm was bandaged and in a sling as to not rip the stitches. Damn him.

And so began your game of silence. You didn't speak to Kylo, you didn't look at him, in fact, you didn't acknowledge his presence at all. And that seemed to piss him off. You smugly grinned to yourself. _Serves you right._

The hard part was trying turning off your constant stream of consciousness. That's when you got an idea. A fleeting one, that you distracted from so Kylo wouldn't see it coming.

It was breakfast, and you’d let Kylo take you to the uppity cafeteria ~~Just because you eat good food doesn't mean you have to be nice.~~ You sat at the table you claimed a while back, Kylo across from you. You knew he could still hear your thoughts the entire way to breakfast, and he had to be confident that nothing was going to change. That's where he was dead wrong.

You took slow bites of your pancakes, staring an unwavering gaze into the eye slits of Ren’s stupid mask. That's when you started.

Brick by brick, you laid your mental fortress, building a wall between your thoughts and Kylo Ren. He didn't seem to notice at first, but you knew the second he realized what you were doing by the way his hands curled into fists.

You turned your lips up into a smirk as he became visibly agitated. You could feel the sharp pain in your temples when the moody knight tried to use the force to demolish the mental fortress, but you weren't phased. You'd expected as much.

It wasn't until the wall was complete, and your thoughts were all your own when something snapped in Kylo. You could feel his anger, and knew his face was contorted under his metal bucket. He flew out of his seat, while you sat stoically in your own.

Smiling to yourself, you continued to eat your breakfast. You heard the lightsaber switch on, and felt the heat it gave off. You didn't even look at the toddler as he threw his temper tantrum. Everyone else froze as Kylo mauled the empty table across from yours until it was unrecognizable. The poor table never saw it coming.

The lampshade eventually stopped hitting, and slicing, and the room was silent except for the sounds of Kylo’s heavy breathing.

“That was a little over dramatic, don't you think,” you stated loud enough for others to hear, still not sparing the moody, emo teen a single glance. You took another bite.

Ren whirled around to face you, and you heard someone stifle a chuckle. After a glance around, you found the culprit. It took you a second to recognize Phasma without her helmet on, and you cracked a grin.

“See, I'm not the only one who thinks you're acting like an overgrown toddler,” you said, knowing your disrespect was pissing Kylo off.

You felt Kylo’s eyes burn into your own, and without a word, he stormed out of the cafeteria. It took a full minute for anyone to move, or make any noise for that matter. Well, almost everyone.

Phasma got up from her table, and walked over to you. She sat in Kylo’s now empty place at the table, and tilted her head to the side as she studied you.

“That took courage.” She said, cracking a grin.

You smirked, “He won't do anything about it. He's too worried about pissing me off any more.”

Phasma chuckled, and looked around as the room very slowly came back to life.

“What caused his outburst this time? You two didn't talk from the moment you stepped foot in here.”

You scoffed, and rolled your eyes. “Ren’s being a baby because I won't let him read my thoughts,” you explained before finishing off your breakfast.

Phasma chuckled again, an odd sound to you since you'd always thought the Captain never smiled a day in her life. It was nice though, especially since getting her to laugh boosted your self esteem.

You smiled, and stood to dump your tray. She took it for you though before you could even reach out your free arm to pick it up. Glaring, you followed her to the trash.

Phasma dumped the tray for you, and turned towards you after stacking it with the others that were to be washed.

“I admire your guts, someone needs to be able to stand up to Ren,” she held out her hand to shake.

You nodded, and shook her hand, “I'm happy to have the privilege to back-talk the esteemed commander.”

Phasma nodded her agreement, and briskly walked out of the lunchroom, leaving you alone. Looking around, you caught multiple people staring at you, each hurriedly looking away when your eyes met there's.

With a one shouldered shrug, you left.

~~~~~

“You know, I'd say I should get my locks changed, but I doubt that would phase you,” you grumbled with annoyance as you arrived home only to find the toddler pouting on the couch. Helmet on the side table, cloak draped across the couch’s arm.

“But please, make yourself at home,” you added, voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Never again will you speak to me that way,” Kyko snapped, standing up to tower over you.

You glared up at him, “Or what? You’ll fire me? I know you won’t let anyone else touch your precious shuttle, and we both know that she needs more repairs than you're willing to admit.”

Kylo floundered for a reply, but failed to come up with one. Grinning with triumph, you walked around the knight, to grab a book from your nightstand.

The doctor wasn't clearing your for work until next week, so you had a lot of free time on your hands.

Sitting on your bed, back against the headboard, legs crossed, you opened to the page with the bookmark.

Kylo crossed his arms, “Why did you cut me off from your thoughts?” He asked in a tone that was more demanding than it should be for someone in the doghouse.

“Because,” you replied offhandedly, “You don't deserve to know what I’m thinking.”

Kylo huffed, and retrieved his helmet and cloak, “I already apologized, I don't know what else you want,” he snapped, putting on the cloak. You just shrugged in reply, and the bitchy lampshade stormed out.

~~~~~

Four hours of not being disturbed was heaven. You weren’t allowed to go back to work until the doctor cleared you, so, for the first time in practically ever, you had time to yourself. Thankfully, Ren even had the decency to not disturb you ~~well that, or he was too busy~~. Either way, you weren’t complaining.

To your dismay, you weren’t in the condition to do too much, but you spent your time as well as you could. You read, took a nap, sang obnoxiously to your favorite musical (yes, you acted it out as well).

You were just about ready to step into the shower when there came a knock on your door. _Who the hell could that be? No one ever actually knocks._ Annoyed, you pulled on your short, fuzzy robe, and went to open the door.

“Is there any way you could come back later?” You asked as you walked over, “I was just about to-” you stopped talking as you pulled the door open, and furrowed your brows. “Kylo?”

The knight was hugging his helmet against his torso, and looked like a worried child, until his eyes landed on you, and his cheeks went pink.

You jutted a hip out, and put a hand on it, “Wow, who knew you actually had manners?” You scoffed.

No reply.

You rolled your eyes, and stepped aside. The tall man cautiously walked in. After closing the door, you went to turn off the shower, no sense in wasting the hot water. You came back, and sat on your bed. Kylo was perched on his usual spot on the couch, eyes to the ground. The big man seemed… Shy.

You sighed, and pinched the bridge of your nose, “Whaddya want, Ren?”

Kylo cleared his throat, and looked up to meet your eyes. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing actually came out. The man was stuck. You’ve managed to make the **Commander** of the **goddamn First Order** speechless. Kudos to you.

Kylo made a sound of annoyance, and set his helmet on the couch cushion beside him. “I'm sorry,” he said.

You shook your head, “Yeah, you’ve said that. How many times do I have to tell you that it's not enough. You can't just treat me like everyone else, and send me to the goddamn hospital because you don't know how to control your anger.”

Ren looked exasperated. He sat in disbelief for a moment, before his face steeled in a decisive fashion, and stood up abruptly. He stalked over to you, and pressed his lips to yours.


	12. The Force

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Kylo!” You said, anger flaring up, making it hard to form words. The man looked confused, if not a little hurt, but that wasn’t going to change your mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So here's another update, I've rewritten it. And while this isn't exactly how I wanted it to go, I like what happened. I'd love to hear what you guys think, suggestions for what you want to see in the future of this fic. If you like it, please subscribe. Enjoy!

His lips were hesitant, showing that he wasn’t quite sure what to do. You almost kissed back, to help him out, until your brain caught up to the situation. You frowned, and pushed him back.

The surprise kiss had brought your mental fortress tumbling down. Which meant that Kylo knew exactly how much you’d loved that, and wanted more. You weren’t going to give in though. Not when the man tried to blindside you, and use a kiss to make things better.

“Kylo!” You said, anger flaring up, making it hard to form words. The man looked confused, if not a little hurt, but that wasn’t going to change your mind.

 _How dare you! Barging in here, knowing I'm still pissed, and fucking kiss me! I had a good day, and here you are, fucking ruining it again, sure I’ve been wanting that, but not like **this** you jackass. I was mad, but now I'm goddamn furious. This isn't a “kiss it make it better” situation. **Go**. Get the _ **_fuck_ ** _out!_

You mentally screamed Kylo. He flinched, and stared at the ground. The poor guy looked like a kicked puppy.

He didn’t make any move to leave, and you stood up. You could feel your anger taking over your body. You just wanted to be **alone**. The door of your room flew open, and Kylo began leaving… But he wasn’t walking, he was being pushed. That seemed to surprise the both of you, but you just focused harder. The second Kylo slid into the hall, you used The Force to slam the door.

You collapsed onto the ground, mind spinning as a headache began to form, and you felt sick. Ok, kissing Ren wasn’t that repulsive, so this must have been an after affect of using The Force. ~~Holy **Fuck** you used The Force. **You** used the goddamn Force.~~

A few minutes passed, and you eventually found the strength to pull yourself upright. You groaned, and squinted against the light. You could already tell that this headache was going to be horrible. You went into the bathroom, and turned on the shower again. You took another dose of painkillers, maybe it would help your head. Once the water was just short of scolding, you dropped the robe, and stepped in. Careful not to get your stitches wet, you rolled your shoulders, wishing the tension to just go away.

After half heartedly washing your hair and body, you sat down, and let the water wash over you as your mind wandered. Ok, so… Kylo kissed you, you pushed him away, Kylo was sad, you mentally cussed him out, and then Force slammed the door on him. Yup, that all happened. The facts were so simple, and yet, because of them, nothing was going to be the same.

You sighed, and rested your head against your knees. What you wouldn't give to go dance for a few hours. Dancing always helped clear your mind, get your thoughts straight. But of course, when you needed it most, you were practically bedridden.

The water went cold after a while, so you reluctantly turned it off, and got out. After drying off, you decided to not waste energy in putting in pajamas, so you pulled on your robe, tied it, and crawled into bed. Maybe things would be better tomorrow morning.

~~~~~

It was late morning by the time you peeled your eyes open. Your migraine was only a dull ache, and no one had come to bother you yet, so today was already turning out ok.

You hummed, and curled into a ball under your covers, and had every intent on going back to sleep, but your stomach growled. That was your cue to get up. You sat on the edge of the bed, and rubbed your temples. Your eyes came into focus, and that was when you noticed it, Kylo’s mask. In the events of last night, you'd shut him out with his mask still in your couch.

After getting dressed, you tucked the metal mask under your good arm, and opened your door, but stopped. Confused, you retrieved the piece of paper that was taped to your door.

_Training room. After breakfast. Eat in the Superior’s Mess Hall. KR_

You crumpled up the paper, and tossed it inside before closing the door. You hugged the mask with the arm not in a brace as you walked to the mess hall. You were going to go to the superior’s even before Ren told you to, so technically, this was your idea.

A few minutes later, you found yourself sitting at your usual table, alone today since Kylo had to be a dick, and make things difficult. You’d positioned his mask at his usual spot. After a few bites, you began pushing your food around your plate. You were surprised when someone sat down next to you.

“You’re looking better without 100 pounds of deadweight following you around,” Phasma said with a smirk.

You didn't even try to hold back a laugh. “He’d probably throw another temper tantrum over being called a deadweight... and only 100 pounds,” you replied with a grin.

Phasma shrugged, and took another bite. “I figured that Kylo won't come after me if you’re there to stop him.” You couldn't disagree there. “Where is your tail anyway?” She asked, then glancing at the mask, “Without his precious helmet?”

“I dunno, probably pouting somewhere since I yelled at him,” you took a bite. Phasma being here helped keep your mind from wandering, which was a nice change in pace.

“Good for you,” Phasma replied, seeming genuinely pleased.

The two of you talked for a while, and you came to the conclusions that you actually liked her, and it was too early to say so now, but she may even turn out to be a friend.

After a half an hour ~~no rush~~ you departed, and slowly made your way to the training rooms. You walked directly into the room you and Kylo used for your mind sessions, and sat on your cushion before looking at Ren. At least the guy had the decency to be here.

Kylo was on his cushion, gloves, and robe aside. He sat cross legged, eyes closed. You knew this look, he was meditating. You laid down, and stared up at the ceiling. Maybe if you concentrated hard enough, you could pretend the floor was your bed.

“Why are your thoughts always so loud?” Ren complained.

You sat up, and glared at the man, “Well, I had them shut off, but you had to go throw a temper tantrum like a two year old, so you have no right to complain.” You dropped his helmet in front of him, and it landed with a loud clang.

Kylo just looked at you, and didn't move a muscle. The acidity of your voice didn't even phase him.

“I asked you here so I could explain,” the dark haired man said, “Now, I'm going to speak, and you’ll listen.”

“And who said-” your comeback was cut short by your jaw snapping shut, and you gave Kylo the dirtiest look you could muster.

“Please, just listen?” He asked, sounding exasperated.

You exhaled through your nose, and nodded. The pressure on your jaw disappeared.

“I would like to start with apologizing. Truly apologizing,” he said, those big brown eyes meeting yours, “I’m sorry y/n. I should not have hurt you, it was an accident, but one that could have, no should have been avoided. I will try more to… To control my anger.”

Kylo bit his lip, and took a moment to gather his thoughts. “Now… As for the kiss,” he avoided looking you in the eye for this one, “I didn't know what else to do last night. I wanted you to forgive me, and I didn't know how else to express my appreciation to have you around. You don't have to say anything about it, nor do we ever have to speak of it again.

‘Lastly… I’m sure you're confused about what happened last night, and I was hoping we could go a little longer without having to face it, but, you're Force sensitive. As you experienced last night, extreme emotion can bring out your ability, and focus it into use. Until I teach you how to control it, I suggest you try to avoid using it. There are many people on this ship, and in the galaxy that would exploit you for it,” Kylo ended with a sigh, and rubbed his temples. You just sat there, letting all the information sink in. It took a few minutes, but everything started to make sense, and you smiled, and then you started to giggle, which led to you laughing so hard you were doubled over with tears in your eyes.

You sat back up, and wiped the tears from your eyes, Kylo’s brows were furrowed so hard you were sure they were going to permanently knot together.

“I don't understand,” He said.

“I don't either, but that was probably the most I've ever heard you say at one time,” you admitted. You sat up, and sorted through what you wanted to ask first.

“Ok,” you said, pausing again, “The Force… How long have you known?”

“I haven't expected for long, but the Supreme Leader has known since the first time I brought you to him.” You nodded as he continued talking. “The Supreme Leader wants me to train you. I'm afraid you have no choice in the matter, I'm sorry, I do not wish this on you, but Snoke wants you to know the ways of the Dark Side before anyone else gets to you.” Kylo looked sad as he told you this, and an icy fear pierced through you. This had to be pretty bad if The Kylo Ren didn't want this to happen. You decided to push that aside for now, there were other things to focus on.

You carefully shuffled closer to Kylo, not wanting to actually stand to move the three feet. “I forgive you,” you said softly, reaching out to place a gentle hand on Kylo’s cheek. The man froze, and watched you intently. You smiled before leaning in to kiss him.

You both were hesitant at first, getting used to the idea, to the feeling. You relaxed first, and leaned into him, uninjured hand still on Kylo’s cheek, tracing down to his jaw. You tilted your head to deepen the kiss a little, and Kylo followed suit. You didn't go any further though, and eventually pulled away to catch you breath.

You smiled as Kylo stared at your lips, “Yeah, that was nice,” you whispered. Kylo nodded, and leaned in again. This time, when your lips connected, the hesitation was replaced with a want, a need for the other. This kiss was more heated with the both of you moving in sync. Kylo’s hands were on your hips, and your hand was on the back of his neck. After a while, you had to pull back. You blushed, and met his eyes.

“As much as I love listening to you talk… This is better,” you murmured, which pulled a chuckle from Kylo, a low rumble that sounded so smooth. You loved it. Maybe this whole Force thing wouldn't be so bad with Kylo there.


	13. What's the Fun in Being Straight?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What the hell,” you grumbled, looking up at the very nervous looking woman standing in front of you. You looked her over, and raised a brow. “Imma go out on a limb and guess that you're new,” you said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> So I may have kinda went AWOL for most of the year, which I know is really not cool and I'm so freaking sorry guys! Life has this horrible tendency to get in the way. It took me forever to get this chapter down. I changed it multiple times, and at one point the new character was a guy... I'm still not really happy with what I got, but I just wanted to get this chapter out there so I could try to get back into writing. I do know where I want this story to go, and I hope you guys like it. Again, I'm so sorry for leaving, but I'm back now! Have a new chapter as an apology!

It had been a week and a half since Kylo’s major fuckup that landed you in the hospital. The bruise around your neck was barely noticeable, and the sling for your arm was gone, even if the gauze was still present. At least it didn't hurt anymore, meaning you didn't have to take the painkillers. That was probably a good thing since they were starting to mess you up.

The doctor still hadn't cleared you for work, which was a bummer, but you were able to start getting back into some of your daily tasks. That meant you were able to spend hours upon hours in the studio. You had to pay extra attention to your arm to make sure you didn't rip the stitches, but you were able to dance again, so yay!

Kylo left a few days ago for the mission he was supposed to have gone on before your little mishap, and you were surprised with how lonely you felt. You’d seen Kylo at least once a day ever since the day he burst into the studio ~~minus the ones where you were out cold in a hospital bed~~. That meant that you’d been around the murderous ken doll for around three weeks, and he hadn't driven you insane yet. He’d only tried to kill you twice so far, and you were pretty dang sure that was a new record for the guy.

You two didn't kiss again after that. Come to think of it, your dynamic barely changed with him. If anything, things we're back to normal. You were ok with that because at least Kylo wasn’t distancing himself.

You checked in with Lieutenant Mitaka at least once a day, asking to see if there were any updates on your favorite Knight of Ren. You always got the same answer…

“You haven't been approved for details of missions.”

It was infuriating, not knowing how the guy was doing. You absolutely refused that you were catching the feelings, so you decided it was just because without Kylo, your days at the cafeteria that actually served real food would be over. But, what bothered you more than you would ever admit to, was the fact that you didn't know if Kylo could hear your thoughts. You’d become accustomed to having the esteemed leader always in tune to what was on your mind, and sometimes you’d get a muffin out of it. Kylo would never speak back to you like this, though you were sure he had the ability to do that… you hadn't asked why he decided to keep quiet though. But that’s beside the point at the moment. Sure, it was nice to have personal space again… but it was also weird and unnerving, not being able to update Kylo on things that you found funny or worth telling.

You sighed, and just stopped in the middle of your dance, deciding to sit down, back against the cool mirror, and let the music keep playing. You checked your arm, and then leaned your head back, closing your eyes.

_Really wish you were here._

You tried to push the thought across however many light years away Kylo was, but somehow you just knew it wasn't working.

You stood up, and packed your things into your bag. Dance wasn't helping anymore, so now it was time for a long shower, and maybe a movie. You pulled on your jacket over your sports bra and a pair of joggers over your shorts before slinging the bag over your shoulder.

Your feet carried you mindlessly through the maze of hallways, Kylo still consuming all your thoughts. You were just a little worried is all. While mumbling insults at the lampshade for making you act like this, you continued to walk. As usual, you weren't paying attention. One of these days, you’d learn to look where you were going, ~~but today was not one of the day.~~  You walked right into the person standing conveniently in the middle of hallway.

“What the hell,” you grumbled, looking up at the very nervous looking woman standing in front of you. You looked her over, and raised a brow. “Imma go out on a limb and guess that you're new,” you said, now slightly amused.

The woman looked at you, bright blue eyes wide as she chewed at her full bottom lip. She had olive colored skin, black hair, and her body was nice as hell. ~~What? You weren't gonna pass on someone just cuz they weren't a guy. What's the fun with being straight?~~

“Oh, um… I'm sorry! And yes, I'm new,” the girl said with a quick nod and she glanced around. “I'm Arani, could you tell me where I am?” She asked.

You hummed softly, filing away her name, and gave Arani a sweet smile. “Of course. This is hall 1193B, it's kinda like the gym area I guess,” you replied.

“Shit,” Arani mumbled under her breath, eyes getting impossibly wider, “General Hux sent me to fix a stuck door in hall 1326D, but I guess I got turned around.”

Both of your brows raised, “So you must be General Asshat’s new engineer, I'm sorry you've got to be my replacement. I can take you to that hall though,” you said as you began to walk.

Arani quickly fell in step beside you, “You're (y/n) then! Maybe you could tell me exactly what my job is on this ship. General Hux was quite vague on my duties.”

You shot the girl an apologetic look. “You get to basically follow Ren and clean up after his temper tantrums… he has quite a few,” you said as you continued walking. You had absolutely hated being the designated trashman for Kylo, but you weren't gonna scare this poor girl off yet. “I'll try to make sure the angry lampshade doesn't destroy too much… although last time I tried to stop him I got a nice slice from that damn light saber of his,” you hummed, motioning to the bandaged left arm. You watched as Arani’s face paled.

“Oh… I was hoping I wouldn't have to, you know…” she trailed off, and you scoffed.

“Be around such an unstable rage monster? Yeah… but don't worry, he’ll never actually look at you. I don't think he noticed when I fixed all the things he made unrecognizable,” you said with a nod. You smiled affectionately as you talked about Kylo, even if your words were harsh.

After a while, you stopped walking. “Here ya go,” you said once you reached her destination.

“Thanks,” Arani said with an appreciative smile.

You went to leave, but turned back around. “Hey! You said, catching the girl’s attention again, “You wanna meet up for dinner with me? I've got some pull, and can get us some good food,” you said with a grin.

Arani smiled and nodded, “Yeah, that would be great.”

You grin and pull out a piece of paper from your bag, scribbling down your number and handing it over. “Call me,” you say with a playful wink before you turn and walk away. Sure, you and Kylo kissed, but if he didn't want to pursue anything, you weren't gonna wait around for him until you were suddenly a crazy old lady cat lady.

By the time you got to the door of your quarters, you had a message from Arani. You tossed your bag onto ~~Kylo’s spot on~~ the couch, and with a smile, went to turn on your shower.

                       ~~~~~

A few hours, and multiple texts back and forth later, you found yourself in front of the door to Arani’s new room. You didn't even have to knock before she opened it, and stepped outside smiling. You were glad that this could be seen as you and her being friends and grabbing dinner, because not even the superior’s cafeteria was very romantic for a date. Hell, nothing on this floating murder ship could classify for romantic, you'd have to go to the nearest planet for that kind of stuff.

You and Arani talked about your days as you led her through the halls to the cafeteria. Eventually, you arrived, got your food (you didn't know what it was since it was probably from some exotic planet, but it sure was mouth watering), and go to your table. You almost asked Arani to move when she sat in Kylo’s spot across from you, but there was no reason for that, so you just brushed the weird feeling it gave you to the side.

“So. I noticed you don't really care what you say about Commander Ren and General Hux, what with the names and all… what exactly do you do here that makes you so carefree?” Arani asked before she took a bite of her food. You swallowed your own, and laughed.

“Well. I used to do what you've been hired for, but then Kylo and I started… working together. Now I work on his command shuttle,” you said, looking down at your plate. You weren't sure how much of your private meetings you were allowed to talk about to someone other than Kylo, so you decided not to say too much. You smiled again, and took another bite before deciding to change the subject. “So, where are you from?” You asked. Arani smiled brightly at that, so you felt confident with your idea to change the subject. Time to pat yourself on the back for doing something right.

“I'm from Coruscant, actually,” She said, “My families really anti First Order, but I don't really see the problem being here. They pay well.”

Her words prompted a nod from you. “Yeah, I know what you mean. That’s pretty much why I'm here too. I'm from Mandalore, and we’re really big on the whole remaining neutral thing. I don't really know where I stand in this First Order, Resistance debacle… well, I didn't know… now I'm all buddy buddy with Ren, so I guess that automatically makes me pro First Order,” You said with a sigh, realizing that what you had said was true. It didn't matter how you felt anymore, everyone saw you working closely with Kylo Ren, Commander of the entire First Order. It’s kinda hard to stay neutral after that. You looked back up at Arani who just seemed to be studying you. When your eyes met, she looked back down.

You opened your mouth to say something else, but was cut off when you felt that ever familiar ringing in your ears. Your grin practically split your face in half and you looked up to see none other but the world’s angriest Koala striding into the cafeteria in his over 6 feet of monochromatic glory.


	14. It Was Training

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Kylo, this is Arani. She’s my friend I met since you ditched me. Arani, that's Kylo Ren, Commander of the First Order,” you said nonchalantly before you glanced back to your friend. The poor girl was white as a ghost, eyes wide as she looked between you and the dark bucket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends. So I was too excited about this chapter to sleep. I'm still trying to suck up to you guys for being gone so long, so here's an extra long chapter with fluff galore. I really appreciate all the kudos, comments, etc from you guys. Thanks for reading!!

You were too happy to form actual words on seeing Kylo again, and you were pretty sure that your internal squeal was what made Kylo flinch… that or the fact that someone was sitting in his spot.

The knight practically sauntered over to the table, and the eyes of his mask turned from you down to the woman in his spot. Kylo didn't even have to speak for you to know what he was thinking.

“Kylo, this is Arani. She’s the person I’ve been hanging out with since you ditched me. Arani, that's Kylo Ren, Commander of the First Order,” you said nonchalantly before you glanced back to your friend. The poor girl was white as a ghost, eyes wide as she looked between you and the dark bucket.

“Move,” Kylo’s garbled voice practically growled. That mechanical sound rubbed you the wrong way for some reason, probably because you missed Kylo’s beautiful, deep voice that sounded like smooth honey. You shook yourself away from that thought as you focused on Arani, and the girl looked like she was going to pass out.

You sighed, and scooted over to make room for Ren. “Kylo, be nice,” you said as you patted the now open spot.

Arani didn't even move a muscle as Kylo sat beside you, and by sat, you meant plopped down like a heavy sack of emo rage. You reached out and patted Arani’s hand, which pulled the woman’s attention to you. Blue eyes meeting your own, and you could practically see the fear and a hint of something else in them. You could feel the angry Koala’s eyes watching every movement, which made you sigh. ~~Why did the guy have to be so guarded all the time?~~ So, with your free hand, you moved it to take Kylo’s leather-clad one. The movement was small, and probably unnoticeable to anyone else, but it wasn't lost on the knight, and he actually curled his fingers to hold your hand in place. That sent a sense of warmth running through you, and you hoped Kylo didn't notice.

“Well this is great, not awkward at all,” you said sarcastically after a few minutes of what was definitely awkward silence. You were looking at Arani, Arani was looking at you, and Kylo was staring hard at the girl who was in his spot. Everyone in the cafeteria was staring at you three as well, ya know, since you need that extra tension.

“I-I'm gonna go,” Arani squeaked out.

“That would be wise,” Kylo said. His voice modulator couldn't even mask the growl in his voice, and you shot him a look. _Stop it, she’s already scared to death_. You thought, and you knew it had to be loud since Kylo flinched again. Arani seemed to notice the movement, but didn't say anything. She just stood abruptly, and picked up her tray to dump.

“I'll talk to ya later,” you said, giving her a warm smile . She glanced at you, and returned your smile with a shy one and  a small nod. But with that, she turned and left.

All eyes were still on you and Ren as the lampshade stood, and without letting go of your hand, he pulled you through the cafeteria and into the hallway.

“What the hell!” You exclaimed, trying and failing to go back. “I wasn't done eating,” you pouted. To which Kylo sighed. You figured the bucket would take you to the practice rooms or something, but instead you noticed the familiar path to your room. Soon enough Kylo unlocked **your** door, and pulled you inside,

“I don't remember giving you my passcode,” you huffed as you finally pulled your hand from his, and crossed your arms.

Kylo, being Kylo, didn't reply. Instead, he practically ripped his helmet off, and threw it onto your couch where it bounced, almost fell to the ground, but instead rolled back.

Your annoyance turned to excitement to see the Knight’s face again. Excitement turned to worry when you instantly realized how much darker the circles under his eyes were, and he looked considerably paler. You stepped forward, and placed a gentle hand in the man’s soft cheek. Kylo flinched at the touch, but didn't move away.

“What the hell happened to you?” You asked, but the edge in your voice was gone, and instead was replaced with a gentleness.

“Nothing you need to worry yourself with,” Kylo replied, and he bowed his head to the side, away from your touch. He took off his cloak, carelessly tossing it aside before he pushed his helmet onto the ground. He then unceremoniously fell onto the couch and groaned, leaving you standing in the middle of your room, blinking in confusion.

“I, um… tried checking up on you, ya know, with Mitaka… but he wouldn't tell me anything,” you eventually said, breaking the silence. You didn't expect a reply, so just kept talking as you walked over to your couch. You pushed Kylo’s legs off the couch so you could sit before you pulled them back up to rest on your lap. “I tried talking to you, well thinking I guess. I was bored since ya know, I can't work,” you said with a sigh.

“I could not hear you,” The bucketless bucket said. Even his voice sounded tired.

“Yeah, I thought so. I felt like I was talking to myself, so I figured I probably was,” you said with a short laugh.

Kylo was surprisingly the next one to break the silence.

“I do not like that woman, I will not have you around her,” he said easily, which pissed you off.

“Alright, first of all. You are not allowed to dictate who I do and do not hang out with. You can't control me like one of your little storm troopers, ok. Get used to that. Second of all, you don't even know her,” you said.

Kylo opened his eyes, and you saw a quick flare of anger at being told no, but it was extinguished as soon as he met your eyes. “Fine,” he grumbled, laying his head down again. “I looked inside her mind momentarily, and saw that she liked you. Too much. She was also hiding something. I did not have enough time to find out what. If you refuse to take my advice, and stay away from her, then I suggest that you at least proceed carefully,” he said, on the verge of grumbling it.

You think about what the emo sith said, but shake your head at the thought. Arani was too sweet to be hiding something, Kylo was just jealous he wasn't the only person you talked to or something like that.

You decided it would probably be best to change the subject, and you didn't know if it was a better or worse thing to talk about, but the only thing you could think about was why Kylo had left for three days.

“Tell me about your mission,” you prompted softly. You didn't know if you'd be met with refusal or what, but if you were going to accompany Ren on future missions, you didn't see why it would be a secret from you. Kylo was silent for a moment, but to your surprise, did start to talk.

“It wasn't really a mission,” he said. He pulled his legs off your lap, and sat up. With his elbows on his knees, he put his head in his hands. You sat up as well, and moved so you were next to him, your leg pressed against his.

“It was training, with Snoke. I had… completed the final task needed for me to finish my training with him,” Kylo went silent, and you could practically see a battle going on in his mind.

Although you were curious, something deep within you said that you wouldn't want to know what Ren had done and what training he’d gone through because of it. Then, a thought struck you, making you practically lose the ability to breath. You were force sensitive. Snoke knew it too. What if you had to go through all this too. You know Kylo heard your thoughts because he turned his face to you. The pain in his eyes was all the answer you needed.

“I-I don't want you,” you whispered.

“I know,” Kylo replied, “I'm holding off on it as long as I can.” To which you nod.

Kylo moves, and you could see the hesitation in him before he wrapped an arm around your waist and pulled you close. You laid your head in his shoulder, and let the gentle action soothe you. You had a fleeting thought, wondering if anyone besides you knew that a man known as the Jedi Killer could be caught in moments like this.

Ren let out a dry laugh. “I'm sure if anyone knew, I would need to do some work on my reputation,” he said. And you knew he was right. You let a small smile grace your lips, and you turned your head towards him.

Kylo glanced at you as well, and you waited a moment, seeing if anything would happen. You weren't a patient person though, ~~and besides, it's not like men had to always make the first move~~ , so after a few horrible seconds of just waiting, you leaned forward and pressed your lips to Kylo’s.

The knight hesitated for a second, and you could almost swear you felt confliction, but not your own. It was almost like you had tapped into Kylo’s feelings.

You felt Kylo give in and relax, causing you to smile a bit. You brought a hand up to tangle in his dark locks as you pressed closer to him. You let all the emotions you’d been feeling take over, leaving want and longing to fuel the kiss. Kylo made a soft, almost unnoticeable sound, and you wondered if Kylo knew what you were feeling. You kind of hoped he did. You tilted your head to the side a bit, and with that the kiss deepened.

You felt Kylo’s hands on your waist, and the sith easily pulled you onto his lap. You could tell Kylo was kind of unsure about what to do, and you offhandedly wondered if the knight had ever been in this situation before. Something told you that he probably hadn't. Controlling the galaxy didn't leave much room for personal relationships.

After a few moments, Kylo caught on to what you were doing, and moved his lips slowly against yours, copying your movements. The feeling sent electricity through your veins, and you shivered slightly. Kylo’s hands held onto your hips, while one of your own was tangled in his hair while the other rested on his cheek, over the scar.

Too soon, you had to pull away and catch your breath. As you panted softly, Kylo seemed barely even winded. ~~Damn, you really **did** need more cardio in your workouts~~.

It was late now, and you really hoped that no one would be in dire need of the knight because you really didn't want him to leave.

You untangled your right hand from his hair, and set it on his shoulder while your left stayed on his cheek. “Can you stay? You really look like you could use some sleep” You asked quietly, staring deep into those brown eyes.

Kylo seemed to think about it for a moment before he gave a short nod. You smiled at that, and stood up. You held a hand out to Kylo even though you knew he didn't need the help, and could probably throw you across the room with the hand that he took yours in without even having to use the force.

He let go, and moved to take off his belt and robe. You couldn't help but stare as he revealed that he was wearing a black long sleeve shirt and pants under all those other layers. This was definitely the most undressed you’d ever seen him, but for some reason it didn't strike you as odd. He took off his gloves, and ran his hands through his hair, which only succeeded in fluffing it out even more.

You smiled, and turned. “Imma go change,” you said as you went over to your dresser and pulled out a tshirt and comfortable shorts. You went into the bathroom, and after closing the door, you let out a long breath you didn't know you were holding. A huge smile lit up your face as you quickly changed, and threw your hair up into a messy bun. After getting ready for bed, you walked back out to find Kylo sitting on the couch, leaned forward with his elbows on his knees as he stared at his hands.

“Ya gonna join me, or do you just want to stare at nothing all night?” You asked, cracking a grin as you slipped under your covers. Tonight was one of the nights that you were both simultaneously happy and mad that you had invested in a queen bed. Because Kylo was able to fit in with you, but he was also able to keep his distance, which of course, he did. You gave the man a soft smile, even if you were desperately wishing to be in his arms.

“Goodnight,” you murmured, eyes slipping closed.

You instantly fell asleep. And missed the soft “goodnight” that escaped Kylo Ren’s lips.


	15. Don't Ask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You opened the door a crack, and peeked out. Once you were satisfied that the sleeping koala was where you left him, you tiptoed towards the front door, and out into the hallway. It didn't take you too long to pick your way through the hallways to the superior’s cafeteria

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello readers!  
> As promised, here's another chapter for all of my lovelies. It's kind of a filler, but that's only because there are some sexy fun times coming very soon. As always, your kudos and comments keep me going, so thanks!! I love you all, and I hope you enjoy.

It was morning, and you figured that last night was all a dream. Kissing Kylo was too perfect to have been real life. You were afraid to open your eyes, not wanting to reveal the truth that Kylo had never been in your bed, or that if he had been, he’d left by now. You wished you could stay in this moment forever, the moment where you could believe everything was fine. You knew you couldn't though, so you reluctantly opened your eyes.

A soft “oh” escaped your lips, and you had to blink a few times to make sure you weren't just seeing things.

Kylo was still laying in your bed, a little closer now than he had been when you two fell asleep. You didn't think he would stay, but here he was. You felt happy to see him there but at the same time pained to realize you’d never seen Ren anywhere near this peaceful and relaxed before, illuminating the fact that Kylo was under a lot of stress, and it had to be taking a toll on his body.

Yeah yeah yeah, it's a cliché, but you really mean it when you say Kylo looked so much younger in his sleep. You couldn't believe that this was the same man known to be the poster child of the First Order. A weapon used to kill and to control armies. The Knight of Ren looked so peaceful. His lips were slightly parted as he breathed deeply in his sleep. His hair framed his pale face, and you were actually able to study the dusting of freckles on his skin. His lashes were a lot longer than you remembered.

You realized you were smiling, and suddenly your lips turned down. You turned away, and carefully got out of bed without disturbing Kylo. You figured the guy had to be a light sleeper usually, since he always had to be on high alert, but he must have felt safe here, because he was out cold. You wondered when the last time was that Kylo had actually gotten a good night’s sleep.

You tiptoed to your bathroom, and locked the door. You leaned your back against it, and slowly slid down until you were sitting, knees bent, and your head softly thudded back against the metal. _What the hell am I doing? I can't be like this with Kylo. The guy’s unstable and could probably kill me without blinking an eye. Not to mention being closer to him would probably, if it hasn't already, put a target on my back. Ugh, I'm so dead._

You sighed heavily, and sat for a few minutes, letting your mind sift through all your thoughts. Kylo was comatose and hopefully wouldn't hear. Your stomach growled, causing you to finally pull yourself upright. After glancing in the mirror, you decided you looked decent enough to go make a quick food run to get you both something to eat.

You opened the door a crack, and peeked out. Once you were satisfied that the sleeping koala was where you left him, you tiptoed towards the front door, and out into the hallway. It didn't take you too long to pick your way through the hallways to the superior’s cafeteria. Once there, you got a tray, and piled it high with as much food as you thought you’d be able to carry. Now to just carry it back to your room without spilling anything. You should do that right? ~~Probably not, but you were really damn determined to try~~.

You somehow managed to get into the hallway with only a few slight wobbles of food. It didn't take long for you to get the hang of it, and soon enough you were carrying the food as carefully as you would a newborn baby. At least you knew where your priorities lie.

You hummed to yourself as you walked, and was confident you were going to make it back with no problems… in hindsight, you should probably learn not to jinx yourself so often. Barely even 15 feet from your door, you look up and find yourself face to face with Arani. The food was really starting to feel heavy, but you still managed a smile.

“Hey,” you greeted the woman.

“Good morning,” Arani replied as she eyed the tray of food, and looked back up to you with an eyebrow raised.

“Don't ask,” you say with a small laugh, and you shifted the weight of the tray slightly. “I hope Kylo didn't scare you too much last night,” you add, chewing your lower lip.

Arani shrugged, “I was pretty sure I was going to pass out, but I'm glad I didn't. I thought he was gonna kill me,” she said with an almost nervous laugh.

You grinned at that, “Don't worry, I've got a watchful eye on that one.”

A message dinged from Arani’s tablet, and the woman sighed as she read it. “I'll let you get back to wherever you were going… duty calls,” she said.

You nodded, “I understand that,” you said as you had to shift your weight again, realizing just how heavy this tray was starting to feel. You were happy when you both went in different directions.

You stopped in front of your door, and stared dumbly at it. You definitely didn't think this all the way through, cuz there was no way you were going to endanger the food by taking a hand off of it.

Maybe you could use the force! Kylo could do it, so why couldn't you. So you focused hard on the numbers you wanted pushed, and it took you over a minute, but to your excitement, it actually worked. Yay! And yup, there's the hints of the headache coming back now. Damn.

You walked in, and used your foot to close the door behind you. After setting the food down on your small table, you looked up. You really shouldn't have been surprised to see the emo koala in his meditative position. He was sitting up, legs crossed, back straight, hands resting just above his knees. All that was missing from this picture was Kylo using the force to levitate himself. You just shrugged once you took in the sight, and turned back to the food. Who knew how long this would last?

“You really should refrain from using the force until I have taught you how to control it,” he said, voice ringing out unexpectedly. You jumped and turned back around. Kylo hadn't moved, and his eyes were still closed. You pouted at that.

“Fine, fine, whatever. A girl just needed a way to get back in her room, man. No big deal,” you mumbled out. Kylo opened his eyes, and you could almost swear you felt them laser focus on you.

“I don't care for excuses. Don't. Do it.” He practically gritted out. Which prompted you to roll your eyes.

“Someone’s grouchy today. And here I thought all that sleep woulda done you some good for that attitude,” you said, turning back to the food, and organizing it onto the table, setting the tray aside.

You slid into one of the chairs, and looked from Kylo to the empty one across from you. “So, am I gonna have to eat all this by myself, or would you care to join me?” You asked.

Kylo didn't seem to make any move to get up at first. He eyed the food, and seemed to make a decision since he got up. “I have no doubt you’d be able to consume all of it yourself,” he said, and cracked a grin as he sat down across from you.

You couldn't help but smile as well, “Yeah, you're probably right.”


	16. A Force Bond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You didn't really have anywhere to go, so instead you just wandered around the Finalizer. And you being you managed to get yourself good and lost. You turned around a couple times, and just blinked at the signs labeling the hallways. The walls were black instead of grey, so you had to be in the higher up’s area of the ship. You were still clueless though.
> 
> With a sigh, you picked a hallway, and just started walking. This was fine… you could maybe find your way to food sometime in the near future. It was kind of eerie just walking down hallways without a single person in sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies!  
> I know it's been a little while, but that's because I was working on this beauty. It's the longest I've ever written, and I really hope you all like it as much as I do!!! This chapter gets a little deep, and there's finally some intimate scenes. So, in celebration of this fic being out for a year, here you go! 
> 
> As always, I absolutely appreciate any and all kudos, comments, etc. Thank you to everyone who reads!

After breakfast, you'd been secretly hoping that Kylo would ditch all his duties for the day and just hang out in your room, no questions asked. But sadly, it wasn't to be. Not even fifteen minutes after you both were done eating, the emo bucket started slowly putting his layers back on. It was mesmerizing to watch, seeing as Ren ~~your Ren~~ transformed from Kylo into an intimidating sith of the First Order. The ensemble wasn't complete, though, until he elegantly pulled the black, fire singed cape around his shoulders.

You sat cross legged on your bed and looked the guy over as he picked up his bucket. ~~Such an over dramatic Ken doll should not look that good in black. But here he was.~~ You absentmindedly wondered what he had to do that was so important, ~~ya know, besides commanding the First Order and all.~~ Didn’t the guy get any days off? You sighed and looked up at Ren with the best puppy dog look you could muster.

“Can't you just stay? I didn't see you for a whole three days,” you pouted. Kylo let out a sound that could possibly be categorized as a laugh, but was probably more a sigh.

“I will meet you for dinner at the usual time,” he said, but gave no further explanation for what he had going on. You sighed, and plopped back down onto your bed.

“Fine,” you sighed dramatically before you rolled so you were on your stomach, facing the annoying koala in a robe. You propped your head up on your hands and met those dark brown eyes. Kylo gave you a look that could almost be a smile before he pulled his helmet on, and locked it in place. After giving a slight bow of the head in your direction, he turned and walked out the door. And, with that, you were left alone once again.

After several minutes of just laying on your bed, thinking about everything that had happened over the last 24 hours, your attention was pulled to your tablet when it made a soft ping. You pulled yourself upright, and reached out with your uninjured right arm to grab it.

Your boredom turned to instant excitement when you saw it was a notification from your doctor to go get your stitches removed that afternoon.

With a new hop in your step, you got up and decided to take a shower. You practically bounced your way into the bathroom, and turned on the water so it was nice and hot. After dropping your clothes, you stepped under the running water. A lot of the tension in your muscles seeped out under the hot stream. While going through the motions of washing your hair and body, your mind drifted to it’s new favorite subject. Kylo.

For some reason the image of Ren just taking off all his layers last night kept playing in slow motion in your mind. ~~Not that you were complaining, like, at all.~~ Something just kept making you think about it, and you couldn't quite put your finger on the thing that your brain was trying to point out.

You took a deep breath, and closed your eyes, letting you head lean back slightly as you replayed the image again. That was when it hit you. There wasn't anything wrong about the whole situation. Your ~~thirsty ass~~ mind was just trying to point out that last night was the first time you’d actually seen Kylo Ren’s muscles. Hot damn, that boy was fine. He was so toned, and ugh, you just wanted to lift up that shirt and run your hands up those abs… wait, hold up. That was quite a little detour your brain had taken you on. One that managed to make you all hot and bothered.

You hadn't had a good lay in a long time. Hell, you hadn't even really looked at any other guy or girl ~~besides Arani~~ since the moment Kylo set foot into your life. You were a strong, independent woman who knew what she wanted. And what you wanted was to get hot and heavy with someone. You bit your bottom lip when you realized that you didn't want to get into it with just **anyone** , but there was one specific person you wanted so badly.

You close your eyes, and took a few deep breaths, trying your best to dig your moat and lay down the bricks of your wall as best you could so that Kylo wouldn't be listening into this. But, this task was exceedingly harder to do when lust was taking over your body. Once you were satisfied with the shield, you let your mind roam free. Your hands slowly moved down your body. You stopped trying to control your thoughts, and just let whatever image your body wanted to see take over your mind.

You didn't notice when Kylo’s name slipped past your lips again and again until you sucked in a sharp breath and felt all the muscles in your body tighten before relaxing again and pleasure ran through your veins.

You let your hand fall away, and blinked your eyes open. So… that just happened. You bit your lower lip hard and decided to wash your body again, trying to think of ways to hide this little tidbit in your mind from the prying lampshade. The water eventually started turning cold, and you had to get out.

You wrapped yourself in a towel, and let your brick wall just tumble down, not wanting Kylo to notice that you’d put it up, because you knew it would worry him. And with worry, came too many questions.

~~~~~

Getting your stitches out was pretty uneventful. Doctor Smartypants just spouted big words at you. Sure, you knew what he was saying, but he was too pretentious to actually listen to. The appointment should have only been a 15 minute ordeal, but it was 45 minutes later by the time you were walking down the hallway again.

You didn't really have anywhere to go, so instead you just wandered around the Finalizer. And you being you managed to get yourself good and lost. You turned around a couple times, and just blinked at the signs labeling the hallways. The walls were black instead of grey, so you had to be in the higher up’s area of the ship. You were still clueless though.

With a sigh, you picked a hallway, and just started walking. This was fine… you could maybe find your way to food sometime in the near future. It was kind of eerie just walking down hallways without a single person in sight.

A few minutes later, you heard footsteps, and instantly felt relieved. You were starting to think that everyone had abandoned this floating hell hole without you. You smiled and rounded the corner. Your face instantly fell, and your eyes widened as you came face to face with none other than General Armitage Hux. The man’s serpent-like features spread into a deadly smile, and you took a cautious step backwards.

“Uh, hello,” you squeaked out, stepping back again.

“Good afternoon,” he practically hissed out, making you think that this afternoon was, in fact, not going to be too good. He advanced towards you. His hands were clasped behind his back, and he was standing tall, towering over you. You stepped back again, but only to find yourself pressed back against the wall, of course.

“I'm just, gonna be going,” you said as you turned to go back down the hallway you came. Before you could run though, Hux placed his arms firmly against the wall on each side of your head. You groaned, and turned to face him.

“Seriously? You're gonna go for the power play. What, tryin to show me who’s in charge, is that it?” You said, and rolled your eyes as you crossed your arms over your chest. Hux was about 10 feet too close for your comfort, but you wouldn't show him the fear he wanted to see. You thought about using your super secret mind powers to call for Kylo, but you didn't even know where you were, you doubted he would be able to find you. Plus, you could take care of this yourself.

“You may think you're untouchable,” Hux hissed, eyes narrowing as they focused on yours, “But you're not. I don't care if you’re Ren’s play thing, I still rank over you. You will respect me.” The way his words came out made you think of a snake. That's exactly what Hux was though, a cold blooded serpent.

“I am not **anyone’s** play thing,” you growled out, hands curling into fists. Nobody owned you, and nobody ever would. You didn't care how badly Hux wanted to put you in your place, you weren't going to let him, and you were pretty sure he was beginning to realize that.

Suddenly, Hux’s hand was at your throat, pulling you closer so that your faces were inches apart. You didn't care to find out what he had planned to do, so you swiftly brought your knee up, hitting him right in the dick. The satisfaction you felt as Hux gasped and let go of you was amazing, but your smug smile fell once again when he too soon regained composure. He raised a hand, and you tensed up, waiting for the slap.

But it didn't come. Instead, The general’s arm quickly twisted into a painful looking angle behind his back.

“You need to learn to keep your hands to yourself, General,” A low voice rung out through the hall. Kylo’s voice was calm but dangerously low. You turned your head to look at the knight, and you were almost caught off guard by how intimidating he looked. Kylo Ren was stalking his way towards you two, shoulders tense, hands in tight fists by his sides as his black cape swirled behind him. ~~You stepped away from Ren’s target since it was a good possibility Hux was about to explode under Kylo’s death stare.~~

The protective doom bucket placed himself between you and Hux. While Hux wasn't actually that much shorter than Kylo, maybe by an inch, Ren still used his height as an advantage, and somehow found a way to stare down at Hux. The General looked like he wanted to say something, but when he opened his mouth, he just grimaced in pain, causing you to grin. You knew there was a reason you kept the dark koala around.

“Leave,” Kylo said, his automated voice somehow dropping even deeper. It was supposed to sound dangerous ~~hell, it would probably scare the shit out of everyone else~~ but to you, it was just really fucking sexy.

Kylo Ren released his victim from the force’s hold, and Hux practically stumbled over his own feet as he scrambled backwards.

“Fuck you, Ren,” General Hux spat venomously as he straightened his back, trying to regain his dignity before he turned on his heels, and stormed away.

Kylo turned around, and you were met with the eyes of the mask. You could feel Kylo’s eyes behind the metal, looking you over, checking for any injuries.

“I'm fine,” you said, even before the question was asked. You had been ready to fight dirty before Kylo arrived, and while you're sure you could have gotten out of that situation yourself, you're glad you didn't have to.

Kylo didn't say anything, instead, he turned and led you down the hall. He didn't take you far before he stopped at a door. You blinked in confusion as you watched him enter a code in the keypad, and the door slid open. He went inside, you following close before the door closed again behind you two.

You looked around brows furrowed, trying to figure out where the hell you were, then it hit you.

“Is this your room?” You asked, as Kylo took off his helmet. He set it on a table next to a black, leather couch.

“Yes,” he said simply.

He disappeared into a room on your right, leaving you standing dumbly in the middle of the area. You had wondered a few times where Kylo stayed on this ship. You didn't exactly know what you were expecting, a cave maybe? Definitely something over dramatic for the drama queen, but this… this was not it.

The room was decorated in black, but the color scheme wasn't actually overdone. There was the leather couch, with a matching chair a coffee table type thing in the middle. And the walls were lined with bookcases, each one filled with books. Your eyes widened as you took them all in. Kylo’s quarters weren't arranged in a studio layout like yours, but it was more of a suite style going on. He had the living room, and kitchen, and doors leading to what you could only guess was a bedroom, bathroom, and something else that was closed. You walked over to one of the bookshelves, and ran your finger down the spine of a book. The title was in a different language, one you didn't recognize.

You heard Kylo return, and turned around to look at him. He was capeless now, but otherwise unchanged.

“Have you read all these?” You asked curiously, glancing at the books again.

“Of course,” came Kylo’s reply, head tilting slightly to one side. You hummed softly at that, and looked around again.

“What were you doing in this wing of the ship?” Kylo asked, a tone of curiosity edging into his voice.

“Oh… um. Yeah, about that, I kinda got lost,” you said with a short laugh. Kylo didn't seem too amused though, eyes narrowing on you.

“I would advise you to not get lost on this ship. There are too many dangerous people on board,” the dark haired man said.

You scoffed, “Dangerous people? Says the Commander of the First Order who knows how to use The Force.”

“But unlike myself, many others wouldn't care if you got hurt.”

You just stared dumbly at Kylo, letting that sink in.

“Oh,” you breathed out.

Kylo walked up to you, and used his gloveless hand to tilt your head up, his hand was warmer than you'd expected it to be. You could see anger clouding his already dark eyes as he traced his fingers over what you could only guess was the beginnings of a bruise. Hux did have a pretty good grip on you.

“The General seems to enjoy testing me,” Kylo growled.

You sighed, and rolled your eyes, taking Kylo’s hand, and lacing your fingers together. “As much as you don't like to believe it, I can take care of myself, Kylo,” you said. Kylo’s eyes met your own, and you held his gaze.

“But you’re not the only one looking out for you anymore,” he replied, voice surprisingly gentle. You bit your lower lip at his words before smiling.

“Thanks,” you murmured.

Kylo let go of your hand, and moved to sit on his leather chair. You stayed in the middle of the room, and shifted from one foot to another. You could feel Kylo’s eyes on you as you looked around the room.

“You can sit down if you like, please, make yourself comfortable,” the Sith said. You looked at him, and blinked a few times. You felt like Ren was being extra nice today, and you wanted to know why. You moved to the couch, and sat, surprised at how comfortable it actually was. But it made sense that the First Order would keep its unstable Commander comfortable.

You took a deep breath, and just let yourself relax. You let your head rest against the back of the couch. Your eyes closed as all the tension from earlier drained out of your body. You could get used to hanging out in here, it was nice. You heard Kylo laugh softly.

“You're welcome anytime,” he said. And you grinned at that. You liked the idea of hanging out in Kylo’s room. You're sure it's the last place most people would look for you.

“I'd be careful what you say, Ren. I might just take you up on that offer,” you replied jokingly.

The two of you fell silent again, and you almost started dozing. That’s when you heard it… what sounded like tidbits of Kylo’s voice in your head, but he sounded far away, like he was in another room. But you were still able to make out a few words, _Beautiful… wish she… kiss…_

You blinked your eyes open, and sat up. Kylo was staring at you, and when you met his eyes you could almost swear he blushed before he turned away.

“Kylo,” you whispered, not sure if you had actually heard the man’s thoughts or if it was your own wishful thinking.

“I noticed your thoughts went quiet this morning,” the annoying bucket managed to quickly change the subject before you were able to say anything more. Now it was your turn to blush, and you looked away.

“I… uh, fell asleep,” you said quickly. Yeah, fell asleep, that worked, right? Kylo’s eyes narrowed on you, and you knew he wasn't convinced.

“I can still feel your emotions as you sleep, even if I cannot hear your thoughts. Today, it felt as if you were gone, like if you had cut me off,” he said.

Damn, this guy didn't know how to drop things. You sighed dramatically, and flopped back so you were laying across the couch.

“So, a girl isn't entitled even a few minutes of private thoughts anymore?” You grumbled, crossing your arms.

The bucketless bucket went quiet for a little while. He really loved his old fallback of the silent treatment, and it drove you insane. He was quiet for a long time, and you had almost thought you were done with the topic when he spoke again.

“Did… I do something wrong?” He asked, almost sounding apprehensive, “You only go silent when I have hurt you in some way.”

You chewed your lip nervously, and turned your head so you could look at the guy. With a groan, you sat up again. “No, Kylo. You didn't do anything wrong, ok. Promise. I was just… thinking about something,” you blushed at the thought of what had really been happening and you really hoped Kylo didn't see. Instead, the sith just nodded, and looked down at his lap. He seemed sad, and it hurt your heart to see him like that. You wanted him to look like he did this morning, when he was sleeping in your bed. Your body moved on it's own, standing up, and pushing you towards the dark haired man. You found yourself kneeling in front of Kylo, and the man looked up at you, brows furrowed in confusion. It's not like you hadn't kissed before, so you had no reservations in leaning forward to press your lips against his.

Kylo seemed slightly surprised nonetheless, but you knew the actions were welcome, because soon enough Kylo was relaxing. You moved your left hand to Kylo’s cheek as your other rested on his chest. Kylo’s hands found their way to your waist, and, without breaking the kiss, he lifted you up so that you were sitting on his lap instead of kneeling on the ground. You moved your legs so you were straddling the knight’s lap, hips pressed together. The position must have been to Kylo’s liking, because his fingers gripped your hips harder, pulling you closer. You tangled your right hand in the fabric of Kylo’s robe, while your left hand moved into his mess of dark hair. You tilted your head to the side, just enough so that your mouths slotted together like perfect puzzle pieces.

This kiss felt different than before, it was more passionate, and more heated and lustful than the others. You hummed softly against Kylo’s mouth as your left hand tugged lightly at his dark hair. The action pulled a sound from Kylo’s chest that could only be called a growl, and it sent electricity shooting through your veins. Suddenly, you wanted more, and you knew Kylo did too. You could feel it.

You gripped his robe, and pulled at it. Slight frustration set in when you couldn't get it open more than a few inches. You just wanted the robe and the shirt under it off, dammit. You wanted your hands on this man.

“Kylo,” you grumbled in frustration against the man’s lips, and Ren chuckled. He nudged you gently, prompting you to stand up. He followed suit, and swiftly undid his belt, and pulled off his robe, tossing it onto the couch. You bit your lip, and met the Sith’s dark brown eyes which were darker with lust, you were sure yours mirrored Kylo’s. The two of you locked eyes as Kylo reached to the back collar of his shirt. He seemed to hesitate for a minute before he pulled his shirt off in one fluid motion. You didn't watch him throw it with his robe, because your eyes were hungrily taking in his body. The first thing that you were able to process was how lean and muscular he was.

You stepped forward, and put your hands on his abs, fingers splayed against the warm skin. It was only then that you noticed just how many scars he had littered all over his torso. You were almost positive there were more in places you couldn't see at the moment. You traced your fingers over one of the longer scars on his left hip, it seemed fresher than the others, still slightly raised. It had to have been an ugly wound at first. Kylo flinched at your touch, and it took him a few moments to relax under your hands. You could almost see the battle in his eyes between the animal instinct to not trust anyone, and wanting to trust you. You slid your hands up Kylo’s torso, and let them rest on his chest as you leaned up to kiss the man again.

Kylo pulled away, and took your hand, pulling you into his bedroom. Once there, you pulled your hand from his, and took your own shirt off, leaving you in your bra. You had the fleeting thought of feeling thankful you'd put on your black lace bra today. It wasn't your sexiest, but at least it wasn't the boring standard bra the First Order issued. You watched as Kylo’s eyes hungrily drank in your body, toned from dance. You smirked, and stepped forward.

“Like what you see?” You purred as you wrapped your arms around Kylo’s neck, and the knight nodded. Your stomach did flips and your heart raced as Kylo laid his hands on your waist. His touch was so light. You hummed, and arched your back slightly, which seemed to urge Kylo on. He moved his hands to your jeans, and his fingers moved quickly to undo them. You pushed them down before stepping out of them, kicking them to the side.

You honestly couldn't believe you were doing this with The Kylo Ren. You definitely didn't want to fight it though, you were just going to let whatever happen, happen. You leaned up and pressed a kiss to Kylo’s lips before you started trailing your own lips down his jaw to his neck. You knew Kylo always had pretty much his entire body covered when he stepped out in public, so you didn't care where you left marks on him that just you would be able to see. He sucked gently at his neck, nipping at the sensitive skin. Kylo’s head tilted back as you did. You moved your hands to the man’s pants and you quickly undid them, and pushed them down so they pooled at his ankles. He kicked them out of the way.

He smirked, and pushed you backwards, causing you to fall onto his bed. You laughed as you bounced, and you propped yourself up on your elbows, just looking him over. You watched as he brought a hand up to his neck, and traced over the area where your lips hand been.

“Did you mark me?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. You just smirked.

Kylo laughed. He actually laughed. You'd never seen him like that before, face so lit up. You had to blink a few times because he just looked so happy. You felt your heart swell in your chest, knowing you were the one to make him actually happy for once in his life.

It didn't take long for the both of you to become completely undressed once Kylo was on the bed with you. You laid under him, and watched as he drank in the sight of your body.

“You're beautiful,” he murmured, causing you to blush.

The sex was amazing, to say the least. The perks of having Kylo read your mind constantly was that he knew exactly what you wanted, and he had no problems with doing it. You were straddling Kylo as he sat up, arms wrapped around your waist when you both climaxed. As pleasure raced through your body, something happened. You felt a snap between the two of you, and your pleasure suddenly increased, like you were feeling it from both people.

You were suddenly flooded with images from the past, but not your past.You found yourself pulled into one that had you sitting on the steps of a house as you heard a man and a woman yelling at each other from inside. You were suddenly filled with sadness and anger as you watched a rock float in midair. You were pulled to the scene of a man teaching kids how to use the force, next an image of Leader Snoke in person, the memory of making a light saber. Then the memories got darker. You could feel anger burning bright in your chest as you cut through Jedi students, and the exhaustion and pain from training with Snoke, there was a village where you ordered Phasma to have the troopers kill all the villagers. The memory slowed as you stood face to face with a grey haired man. A mixture of pain, resentment, and hesitation raced through you, causing your fingers to twitch on the saber’s hilt. You turned the weapon on, and the blade sliced through the man. All of your emotions went blank at that moment as you stared into the dying man’s eyes. He put his cold hand on your cheek before falling off the bridge.

You were pulled out of this dream-like state, and found yourself back in Kylo’s room. Only seconds had to have gone by, but now you were finding it hard to breath, and you had tears running down your cheek. You moved away from Kylo, and sat on his bed, blinking away the tears as you heard him cuss and watched him run a hand through his hair.

“W-what happened-d?” You ask, voice shaking. You couldn't tell which emotions you were feeling were truly yours. It all raced through you at one, fear, pain, sorrow, anger, pleasure… you just looked at Kylo, who couldn't meet your eyes.

“A force bond.”


	17. Ben Solo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re Ben Solo,” you whisper, mind reeling with all of this new information. Kylo’s entire body tensed at the name.
> 
> “Yes,” he basically hissed through gritted teeth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies... I have risen from the dead. So much has happened since I last updated, including me rewriting this chapter several times. My first semester of college is over, and I saw The Last Jedi last night! I basically changed where I wanted this story to go, because I’ve decided it would be really fun to incorporate our reader into the story of Episode VIII. So, starting at the end of this chapters, there are going to be spoilers for the new movie, be warned. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> ***spoilers for The Last Jedi towards the end of this chapter! Don’t read ahead yet if you don’t want to know***

The both of you continued to sit on the bed, naked, and unable to meet each other’s eye. A force bond? No way, that wasn’t possible. You only heard of those in stories. A force bond is as mythical as true love, it’s just supposed to make for a good story, not happen in real life.

“How?” Was all you could manage to say, voice barely above a shaky whisper. You slowly moved so that you were sitting with your back against the headboard of Kylo’s bed, and you pulled the covers over your chest. Kylo watched you, and then looked away.

“It’s rare, but can happen” The Sith replied. You were surprised to notice even his voice was wavering. He looked at you, and it took a few moments, but you built up the courage to meet his eyes. The distress and fear you saw there caused your heart to sink. “I shouldn’t have let this happen, I should have been more careful,” Kylo continued. “Fuck,” he breathed out, hands moving to his hair.

You were suddenly filled with overwhelming anxiety and could hardly breathe. Your brows furrowed, confused as to where this feeling came from. That’s when you realized what you were feeling wasn’t in fact your emotions, but were Kylo’s. You blinked back the panic, and took a slow breath before moving so you were kneeling in front of the man. You took his head in your hands and forced his eyes to meet yours.

“We’re ok,” you whispered, “We’ll figure this out together. We’ll be ok.”

Kylo sighed, and looked away. “No, you don’t understand. You’re in so much more danger now,” he said, voice dropping to barely above a whisper. You bit your bottom lip, realizing that was probably true. If people wanted to use you to get to Kylo before, what would they do if they realized you had this deep of a connection with him. You pushed those thoughts aside for now, and gave Kylo a weak smile.

“We can worry about that later. This can’t be all bad though, I’m sure,” you said, sounding hopeful.

Kylo looked back at you. He was silent for a few agonizing moments, just studying your face. He let out a sigh, and dropped his hands to your thighs. His touch was electric, it was much more intense than before. You closed your eyes for a brief moment, letting out a hum. When you looked at Kylo again, he had a soft smile on his face.

“Yes. I suppose you’re right. But this is something we will have to discuss deeper,” The koala said, fingers tracing up and down your thighs. You leaned forward, and kissed him softly, barely a brush of the lips.

“Later,” you murmured after pulling back. You looked at the pillows on the bed. They looked so comfortable, and Kylo’s bed was so luxurious, it was definitely from one of the richer planets. You were suddenly feeling so drained after everything, the sex, the memories from the bond, the worry, “For now… just lay with me?” You asked.

Kylo nodded wordlessly, and you both shifted and laid down. He pulled the covers over you both, and you pressed your back against his chest, legs tangling with his. He wrapped his arm protectively around your middle, holding you close. And it was like this, feeling comfortable and safe, that you fell asleep.

~~~~~

You blinked awake, momentarily confused by your surroundings. It was only when you felt the arm around your bare waist that it all came rushing back.

Kylo’s memory of stabbing the man on the bridge is what stuck with you most though. You knew Kylo had killed people, it was apart of the job description as the First Order’s personal murder machine. Something about this memory made you uneasy though. Your brow furrowed for a moment as you played it over again in your mind. You were so deep in thought, you hadn’t even noticed when Kylo woke up.

“Han Solo,” he whispered almost inaudibly against your neck. You blinked a few times, initially startled when Kylo spoke. The name sunk in, but you only got more confused.

“Y-you killed Han Solo?” You asked. Kylo sighed, but didn’t say any more right away. You turned over in Kylo’s arms, and studied his face, the scar, his closed eyes, and the worry line etched into his forehead. “Kylo?”

“Yes,” Kylo said matter-of-factly, without opening his eyes. You had a million questions, and opened your mouth to ask one, but Kylo beat you to it. “My father.”

That shut you up real quick. You untangled yourself from Kylo’s arms, and sat up. “I’m sorry, what?” You managed to squeak out.

Kylo reluctantly opened his eyes, and sat up as well. “You would find out soon, I thought it best for me to tell you.”

You sat there, staring at Kylo, jaw basically unhinged in surprise. All the pieces of the puzzle started to fit together from your basic knowledge of history. If Kylo was the son of Rebellion General Han Solo, that means that General Organa aka Princess Leia was his mother. And if Princess Leia was his mom, then the man you were sitting naked in bed with was the nephew of none other than Luke Skywalker, and was the grandson of the infamous Darth Vader. Your head was starting to spin.

“Holy fucking shit,” was the first thing your brain could register to say.

“Yes, it’s all true,” Ren says, having obviously heard your thoughts as you pieced his family lineage together.

“You’re Ben Solo,” you whisper, mind reeling with all of this new information. Kylo’s entire body tensed at the name.

“Yes,” he basically hissed through gritted teeth. This was obviously a sore spot for Kylo, but you deserved to know, so you pressed on.

“Ben Solo’s supposed to be dead, how…”

“How am I him?” Kylo finished for you, to which you could only nod. Kylo didn’t continue talking. Instead, he stood and walked over to his dresser. He pulled in a pair of pants. As he did that, you quickly found your underwear, pulling it on. You look up to see Kylo standing in front of you, he held out a hand, offering you a plain, black T-shirt. You pulled it on, it was too big for you, but it made you feel comfortable. Kylo sat back on the bed, and crossed his legs, watching you silently. Without having to be told, you moved so you were sitting in the same position, facing him.

“Luke Skywalker saw the power I contained,” the man finally spoke again, “He wanted to tame it, so Leia let him take me away, under the pretense of training me. Skywalker never trusted me, he resented me.” Kylo’s fists clenched. You reached out, and laid your hands on his. He seemed to relax, and he uncurled his fingers, turning his hands so your palms touched. Kylo closed his eyes, and as you slid yours shut, you felt yourself being pulled into another memory.

It was dark, something pulled you awake, and before you could even open your eyes, you could hear the buzz of a lightsaber. You turn over quickly to see a man staring down at you, a hard, almost scared look in his eye. You quickly reached for your own saber, using the force to draw it to you. You turned it on just in time to block the saber swinging towards you, and in an act of desperation, you collapse the hut on top of your attacker.

When you opened your eyes again, your hands were grasping tightly onto Kylo’s. Kylo was staring down at his lap.

“It was easier for Skywalker and my parents to fabricate my death than to explain to the galaxy how Luke’s attempt to take my life led me to escape with other apprentices. Snoke took us in, and it was with him that I was able to rebuild myself. I left behind the life of Ben Solo and became stronger than Skywalker would have ever allowed me to be. You see, there is no good and evil in the force. Those claiming to be on the side of light are just as vile and heartless as they paint us to be on the dark side. The galaxy needs order, and order cannot be achieved if people like Luke Skywalker are allowed to live.”

You could feel hatred radiating off of Kylo Ren. It threatened to consume you, to pull you in. You focused on breathing evenly, on keeping calm, and eventually you felt Kylo’s hatred fade away. With a sigh, he pulled his hands from yours, and stood from the bed. You watched as he began to dress.

“Kylo, please… don’t go,” you said, hoping you didn’t sound like you were begging.

“I must,” Kylo said as he picked up his mask, “I’m needed on the bridge.” The man looked at you, sadness clear in his eyes, “Meet me in the training rooms in two hours. You must start learning the ways of the force.” With that, he pulled on his helmet, and the figure clad in black vanished through the door.


	18. Balance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sense everything around you, reach out with your mind and soul,” his voice was so soft, but it sounded like it came from all around you. Even when he wasn’t talking, his words echoed in your mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, lovelies! I don’t have too much to say, other than thank you to everyone for the comments/kudos they mean a lot to me! I love you guys, and really hope you enjoy this chapter.

Two hours later, you were sitting cross legged on your usual cushion in your usual training room. You were sitting alone, waiting for Kylo to show up. As usual, you thought. You’d been doing a lot of thinking lately, a lot of serious thinking. You grumbled and rubbed your temples.

You’d only left Kylo’s room about half an hour ago, quickly stopping by your own room to change. You had spent most of your time just lying in Ren’s bed, relishing in the comfort of it and appreciating that the sheets smelled like him. You had thought about snooping around, cuz seriously, when’s the next time you’d be left alone in Kylo’s room? He was such a private person, you could probably look around and learn things about him he usually wouldn’t share.

You didn’t though. For some reason, even just the thought of digging through Ren’s belongings felt like a betrayal of the knight’s trust.

You didn’t know what to expect with this Force Bond. Things were going to change, but you didn’t know how.

That’s when you heard it. Hux’s voice came from somewhere, causing you to jump, and basically bury yourself in the covers of the bed. The bruise on your neck began to throb at the thought of the man who put it there. He wouldn’t come into Kylo’s room, right?

“Her treating a superior with such disrespect should be treason” the voice spat out, causing you to wince. He had to be talking about you. You untangled yourself from the blankets, and tiptoed to the door, opening it just enough to peek out.

No one. There was no one out there. Your brows knitted together in confusion, and you stepped out in the hall, looking up and down the corridor, but there was no one. You retreated back into Kylo’s room, and sat down on the bed.

“Tread lightly around me, general. Next time you lay a hand on her, you may find it suddenly missing,” rang out Kylo’s voice in your head. You could almost feel yourself running your fingers over the hilt of a lightsaber, and you had to look at your hand to ensure that there was in fact nothing there.

“Careful not to blur the line between orders and your personal life, Ren,” you heard the general basically hiss. At that, you felt a wave of Kylo’s rage and protectiveness surge through your veins.

 _Do you ever have any emotions that aren’t a variation of anger?_ The voice in your head grumbled as you rolled your eyes.

**_Around anyone but you, no._ **

“Oh,” you said out of surprise, eyes wide. Kylo’s thought was so clear, it was as if he said it in your ear.

_Sooo, is this going to be a thing now? You get to talk in my head too?_

_**It appears so.** _

_Because of the Force Bond?_

_**Yes. Our connection is now too strong for me to constantly lock my thoughts from you.** _

You smirked. ~~Ohhh, you were gonna have some fun with this...~~

And now you were here, sitting cross legged, waiting ~~im~~ patiently for the bucket of doom. You hummed to yourself, and drummed your fingers on your legs as the seconds ticked by. If you didn’t have something to do soon, you were going to go crazy.

Just as you were trying to plan out the most comfortable way to lay out the cushions to sleep on, Kylo burst into the room. You jumped, and whipped your head in the direction of the door, grinning when you saw the over abundance of black cloth.

Kylo pulled off his helmet, dropping it to the ground before he also got rid of his cowl. He sat across from you, and you couldn’t help but notice how he positioned his cushion closer to you than usual.

Your smile faded though when Kylo’s stoic look didn’t soften like it usually did when it was just the two of you.

“What’s wrong?” You asked curiously, leaning forward a bit.

Kylo studied your face before sighing. “The Supreme Leader wants us to board his ship in one week,” he grumbled out.

“I-Is that a good or bad thing?” You stammered out.

“I don’t know,” Kylo responded honestly, “he wants me to have you trained in the basics of The Force before then. Therefore, once I return from my next mission, training will be our main priority.”

“Oh, um… ok then. isn’t training already the main priority though?” You ask confused.

Kylo shook his head, obviously agitated you didn’t understand, “No, we are to dedicate every hour to training until we leave for the Supremacy.”

You deflated a bit at that news, you weren’t quite sure what it entailed yet, but it sounded exhausting. You didn’t want to focus on that right now though, so you decided to change the subject. “What’s your mission?” You asked.

“Data extraction from, and elimination of a rebel leader based on Duro. I should be back late into the evening,” he replied, “I can approve of you receiving updates this time, if you require.”

You nod, “Yeah, I’d appreciate that.” You looked down at your lap. Every time your relationship with Kylo changed, he seemed to run away with another mission. ~~What happened to you accompanying him?~~

Kylo reached out, and his hand faltered for a second before he gently laid it in your knee. You looked up at him.

“I must go, even if I would prefer remaining here with you. I don’t have a choice. And I can’t bring you with, not yet. Not until we have things under control,” the man explained with a surprisingly gentle voice.

You nodded reluctantly, “I understand, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

Kylo removed his hand from your knee, and positioned himself in a way that reminded you of when he was meditating.

“This ship is not the best place to teach you about the Force, but seeing as we only have a week, it will have to do,” Kylo said with a sigh, “We’ll try and make the best of it. I want you to close your eyes.”

You crossed your legs in front of you, and then closed your eyes, letting yourself relax. After a few moments of silence, Kylo spoke again.

“Sense everything around you, reach out with your mind and soul,” his voice was so soft, but it sounded like it came from all around you. Even when he wasn’t talking, his words echoed in your mind.

You tried to reach out, to do as you were told, but you felt nothing. You were about to open your eyes and tell Kylo it wasn’t working, but you stopped when a sudden surge of energy coursed through you. You could feel that energy connect you to everything around you, to Kylo, to the air, the light, the walls, the people living and working throughout the ship.

“Feel the balance of it all,” Kylo’s voice echoed.

In your mind, you could see the delicate balance between light and dark, even on just this ship. You could see a group of soldiers gathered in a common room talking and laughing in their off time. Another group of soldiers training hard in combat, trying their best to keep any signs of pain off their faces. The peacefulness of stormtroopers asleep in their bunks compared to the agony of those in Med bay. The brightness of the stars light years away from this ship contrasting to the stark darkness of space. You felt the energy around you pulling you to the man in front of you. In him, you didn’t find balance, but conflict. A battle between love and hate. A burning hatred for those who hurt him, and even for himself, this hatred trying to snuff out the fondness he felt for his mother and even his father. But that hatred was hesitant to touch another burning point of light in him. You pushed towards that light, and it became instantly clear. That light was affection for you. You ripped your eyes open to find yourself staring into a pair of deep, brown eyes.

“You’re stronger than I originally thought,” Kylo said softly.

“I…” You trailed off, unsure of what to say. Kylo shook his head, a very small movement, and you looked down at your lap. Minutes went by with neither of you saying anything.

Finally, you looked up. “Did you see it in me too… the- the light?” You asked.

“Yes.”

You bit your lower lip nervously, and looked down.

“I have to go and prepare for my mission,” Kylo said as he stood and gathered his things, pulling them on again. You scrambled to stand as well.

“Kylo,” you said, reaching out to gently grab hold of his wrist. The man turned to face you, and you tilted your head up so you to look into his eyes again. “Be careful,” you whispered.

“I will,” Kylo replied just as quietly. He gently pulled out of your grip, and slid his helmet on, locking it in place. With one last look at you, he turned, and walked out of the door.


	19. A Mind in Turmoil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You got your food, and sat at your usual spot. Again, it felt weird not having Kylo there, even if the dramatic Ken Doll never actually ate anything. You rested your chin on your palm, and picked through your meal. Your brain did the opposite of what you wanted and started thinking again. It didn’t take long for your thoughts about your relationship with Kylo, the Force Bond, and training to get tangled up in your mind. Pretty soon you found yourself just pushing food around the plate instead of actually eating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> Here’s an update before I head back to classes this week. I really want to keep writing, so it shouldn’t be too long until my next update. This is yet again another chapter with quite a bit of dialogue, but I think the mind convos are fun, therefore we get two this chapter. I hope this doesn’t feel too much like a filler, but next chapter picks back up with some action so don’t worry! 
> 
> I also wanted to let you know that I created a tumblr for this fic where I’ll post updates as well, so go check out warpaint2.tumblr.com if you’d like. As always, I love and appreciate you all!

To no one’s surprise, you were back in your little studio. Your mind was basically in turmoil, and you had found yourself desperately needing to turn up the music and dance out your problems.

Everything going on with Kylo shouldn’t be a problem. Hell, if he was literally anyone else in the galaxy, you would be over the moon with how well your relationship was progressing. But of course, you had to go and fall for the First Order’s Force using Murderer in a Mask. You had a feeling that your relationship with him didn’t exactly coincide with the rules of the dark side.

You kept thinking about the conflict you saw in Kylo. The Doom Bucket was supposed to be strong with the Force, so didn’t that mean he should have mastered balance of Dark and Light?

For the first time since Kylo had watched you dance to it, you turned on Lost Boy. Without really having to think about it, you started moving through your own choreography as you hummed the song to yourself. You’d never really noticed before how much of this song reminded you of Kylo.

Even though he tried to hide it from everyone, you could see Kylo was lost. As much as he wanted the First Order to be like his Neverland, you were starting to suspect that Kylo didn’t feel free here. Like the person in the song, you knew that Kylo never felt as if he was really loved in his past, that he felt alone. You could only guess that was when Snoke came along and promised him something better. But, this probably wasn’t the life Kylo had been hoping for.

The song ended, and you found yourself just standing in the middle of the floor, staring at yourself in the mirror. Now, you had been thrown into Kylo’s life and you honestly didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing for him. Not only was it scary for both of you to have someone you’ve begun to trust in a way you’ve never trusted anyone before, but with every passing day you grew more terrified of losing each other. What if Snoke found this kindling relationship dangerous? Would he just kill you? Would he separate you from Kylo?

Your mind began to spin with all these questions again, and you let out a sound of frustration. You shook your head to clear yourself of these thoughts, and started the song again. You decided not to think this time, and to just dance, to let the movements relax you.

It was working. You were starting to relax until about halfway through the song. Just as you were doing a leg extension, you felt an intense and searing pain in your left shoulder. You screamed, and dropped to the floor. With tears in your eyes, you pulled down your shirt collar to inspect the area. There was nothing there, but the area was tender to the touch.

 _What the hell was that?_ You wonder, shakily standing up.

For some reason your mind brought you back to when Kylo threatened to cut of Hux’s hand if he touched you again, and how you felt like Kylo’s lightsaber had been in your own hands.

Your heart stopped when it finally clicked. The pain you were feeling wasn’t yours, it was Kylo’s.

“No. No no no, Kylo, please be okay,” you whispered to yourself as you stood and quickly packed your things, ready to run all over this godforsaken ship to find Mitaka and ask about Kylo’s status.

_**I’m fine.** _

Kylo’s voice rang out in your head, clear as a bell; just as you were about to burst out into the hall at a dead sprint.

 _Kylo, what the hell?_ You thought, eyes blinking.

 _ **I said I’m fine, now stop distracting me with that damn song.**_ Came Kylo’s voice again.

_You’re on Duro light years away, how the fuck can I hear you?_

_**Distance doesn’t affect a Force Bond.** _

_Is the Force Bond why I feel your pain?_

_**Yes, I apologize for that. It’s just a minor blaster wound. I was distracted by that song, but the person responsible has been taken care of.** _

_You mean killed?_

No response.

_Are you safe?_

_**I’m never safe. But if you mean are there any other hostiles? No. The rebel leader is captive, and the base is secure.** _

_Oh, um… ok._

_**I’m afraid I have to stop our conversation. I must focus on the interrogation. You will be notified when I return.** _

You were about to respond, but you could feel your connection to Kylo fade, yet not disappear. You decided not to push at it though, and instead, you just continued to sit.

The silence of the room was deafening, and you were afraid that if you stayed in here much longer, your thoughts would start spinning out of control again. You stood, and walked out into the hall without a plan in mind.

A few minutes later you found yourself standing in front of the superior’s cafeteria. Leave it to you to subconsciously think about food even in a time like this. Oh well, you were here, might as well.

You got your food, and sat at your usual spot. Again, it felt weird not having Kylo there, even if the dramatic Ken Doll never actually ate anything. You rested your chin on your palm, and picked through your meal. Your brain did the opposite of what you wanted and started thinking again. It didn’t take long for your thoughts about your relationship with Kylo, the Force Bond, and training to get tangled up in your mind. Pretty soon you found yourself just pushing food around the plate instead of actually eating.

You huffed, pushed your plate away from you, and rested your forehead on the cool table top. You heard someone plop down in the seat across from you ~~Kylo’s seat~~ but you didn’t look up.

“Everything ok? I know for a fact that food is too good for you to just not like it” rang out a familiar voice. You looked up and propped your chin on your hands and met Arani’s eyes.

“If I tell you something, can I trust you to keep it a secret?” You asked after staring at her for a few minutes, having debated bringing it up.

Arani looked intrigued as her eyes lit up, and she leaned a little closer to you. “Of course! You’re my only friend here anyway, so it’s not like I have anyone to tell,” she said with a laugh. You smiled brightly when she called you a friend. You’d never really considered anyone on this floating death trap a friend before.

You looked around and bit your lip. There were too many other people here though, too many ears that might hear and consequently say something they shouldn’t. You stood and grabbed your tray, “Cool, c’mon then,” you said, as you dumped your food and then waited for her to follow before you headed out into the hall and towards your room.

Arani was obviously curious, but she didn’t say anything as the two of you walked side by side to your room. It wasn’t too long until you were laying facedown on your bed with your friend sitting on the couch. Arani cleared her throat, and you peeked up.

“Sooo, why did we have to go to your room? Not that I was doing anything, I’m just curious,” she said.

You rolled over and sat up so that your legs were crossed in front of you. “I slept with Kylo,” you said matter-of-factly.

Arani’s eyes went wide, “You did what?!”

“Last night, I slept with Kylo Ren, ya know, the Commander of the First Order, that Kylo Ren…”

“No fucking way.”

“It’s true,” you said before pausing. You opened your mouth to explain what happened, when…

_**What do you think you’re doing?** _

You closed your mouth again, and bit your lip.

_You can’t be the only person I ever talk to._

_**You shouldn’t be talking about last night.** _

_You were supposed to be interrogating, not listening to me,_ you thought, feeling a blush rise on your cheeks.

_**While this is indeed private between you and I. This information could Also put you in danger, and I still don’t trust that woman.** _

You glanced at Arani, who was waiting expectantly for you to give her details.

_Why not? She’s nice. You’re just jealous._

_**No,**_ Kylo’s voice growled in your mind, _**I trust the Force, which is telling me something isn’t right.**_

You wanted to disagree, to tell Kylo that Arani was sweet and wouldn’t harm a fly. Instead of blindly arguing, you decided to see if you could understand where Kylo was coming from. You took a deep breath, and focused on the girl sitting in your couch. The energy around her did seem odd, hesitant, almost deceitful.

You sighed, _Fine, I won’t say anything else._

_**Good.** _

With that, Kylo was gone, and you turned your focus back on Arani who now seemed concerned.

“Sorry… my mind’s on a thousand different things right now. A lot’s happened the past 24 hours,” you said, cringing at your lame excuse. You looked around the room, looking for any change of topic, and your eyes landed on your datapad. You grabbed it, and pretended to read a notification. “Shit, looks like I’m needed in Hanger 5, Sorry to cut this short…” you lied through your teeth.

“Oh, it's fine. I understand,” she replied, although she looked a little disappointed. You both got up, and you opened the door for her.

“Thanks for listening though,” you said with a genuine smile. You still wanted to trust her. After a quick goodbye, she was gone. You were left alone yet again.

You collapsed onto your bed and stared at the ceiling for who knows how long. Eventually you grabbed your datapad, and decided to do some research on the Force. You looked into the Dark and Light Sides, The Jedi Order, the Sith. You read up on Force Bonds, which led you to Force training techniques. You found a link on Kyber Crystals, and the basic design for a lightsaber. Hours later, you tossed your datapad aside and rubbed your hands over your face with a groan. There was so much you hadn’t known about the Force and the Jedi Religion. You didn’t doubt there was even more to learn.

The pad beside you emitted a soft ding as a message popped up, and your brows furrowed in confusion as you grabbed it. Who else was up this late?

‘My room. Training resumes in half an hour. -KR’

“Guess Kylo’s back,” you mumbled to yourself before pushing yourself off of your bed to get ready.

Thirty minutes later, you found yourself outside of Kylo’s room. ~~Here goes nothing.~~ You raised your hand, and knocked.


End file.
